Student too cool to admit she gives a shit
Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. [...]
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Wife makes historic first visit to husband’s ten-year-old blog
BLOGOSPHERE—Lacking the joie de vivre to take up meaningful hobbies like sewing and spelunking, a woman visited her husband’s blog ten years after its inception. [...] -
Suicidal blogger ‘likes’ everyone’s blog, injures hand and goes missing
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a [...] -
Gay man declares he is confident enough about his homosexuality to dress as if he were straight
HOLLYWOOD—Saying that he doesn’t care what other people say about him, a gay man bravely donned a quintessentially heterosexual black blazer and button-down shirt [...] -
Thai local likes tourist’s authentic elephant pants and love for Asian culture
Bangkok—After selling green curry and driving a tuk tuk for fifteen years, Thai local Terdsak Pichaironnarongsongkram professed his admiration for tourist Katie [...] -
“Robostitutes” are the new black
Last month, a retired philosophy professor asked for a refund because the sex android he bought from us did not “moan and argue like Leibniz.” Yes. There’s a burgeoning [...] -
Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts
Calling each other “irrational” and “annoying,” potato farmer Tom Bruise and his wife Lucy quickly resolved all marital conflicts by not talking to [...] -
New movie poignantly captures woes of hapless bald man
Antoine Fuqua, the director of Training Day, has made The Equalizer, an emotional drama based on the life of a depressed bald man. “It’s time for the public to [...] -
University installs bathrooms for students to regurgitate facts and flush knowledge down toilet
Saying he wants to prepare students for the job market, Chancellor Elvis Dumbefore of Hogwash College proudly announced the installation of lavatories where students can [...] -
A summary of Coco’s gratuitously violent plot (spoilers ahead)
Set in the sleepy Mexican village of Salsipuedes in Baja California Norte, Coco tells the story of a young chihuahua that is abducted by a Mexican cartel. Alonzo, the [...]
Potentially Pulitzer Prize-Winning Articles
- Wife makes historic first visit to husband's ten-year-old blog
- Thai local likes tourist's authentic elephant pants and love for Asian culture
- Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid
- Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day
- Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses
- Eggcorns did not pass mustard for all intensive purposes
- Stupid man who can't play chess resorts to empty threats
- Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with 'good-hearted' owners
- Sexy math man tired of girls who hold victory signs
- Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read
