Entertainment

Nemo sent to detention for calling schoolmate a “punk-ass fish”

THE OCEAN–Saying that he has had enough of “this bullshark,” class clownfish Nemo was sent to detention for swearing at his schoolmates, calling a longtime friend a “punk-ass fish” and telling cephalopods who camouflage themselves to “stop squirting ink and hiding around like a bunch of octopussies.” For his misconduct, Nemo has been sent to the principal’s office.

“He’s violating our social morays. If left unchecked, Nemo will become no better than a damp squid and make me eel,” said Principal Bruce Bringsting.

Sources confirm that Nemo has not yet begun to behave and has allegedly called an innocent bass a “real basshole.”

“I can put up with a little bit of Sargassum, but not with this,” lamented Nemo’s father, Marlin. “I guess he’s just a real son of a fish.”

Music

Studies show looking like a crazy person improves jazz performance

Tokyo–A new study done at Tokyo University has confirmed what many jazz musicians have suspected for years: looking like a crazy person improves jazz performance.

The new paper, entitled, “Appearing Insane to Optimize Scooby Dooby Doo Daa, Doo Wop: Bebop and Beyond,” published in the prestigious Tokyo Journal of Jazz Studies, described a double-blind, double-time, double-swingin’-like-a-jive-ass-mothafockin’-doo-wop-ba-bee-da-doo-daaaaa study that proves that growing one’s hair long, dressing oneself up in funny clothes, smoking a doobie, and imbibing massive amounts of alcohol improve one’s ability to scooby-dooby-doo-da-doo-wop-doo-wop-doo-wop-doo-wop-fuck-yeah on the count of 1, and 2, and 1, 2, 3, 4, and additionally improve one’s ability to play polyrhythms and polychords and poly-po-pa-pa-doo-wop-ba-be-da-doo-daaaaaaaaa.

However, Japanese scientists say that further studies will have to be done on the matter, for they have not figured out how some accomplished musicians can swing and play well while looking totally stoic and sane.

 

Politics

Tennessee passes law banning abortion for both muggles and wizards

Nashville–Alarmed by wizards’ ability to abort fetuses with the wave of a wand, pro-life lawmakers in Tennessee passed a law that bans abortion for muggles and wizards. “We know that if you ban muggle abortion, muggles will get abortions anyway with the help of wizards. So, we banned abortions for wizards too. Using magic to perform abortions is just as unbiblical as using modern medicine,” says Republican congressman John Hooker.

Though Hooker’s sentiment is echoed by scores of other politicians, doctors and biology professors object. Vanderbilt Professor of bioethics Dr. Dick Longhair explained that such “moralistic justifications hold no water given that the requirements for personhood are infinitely more demanding than a heartbeat, be it wizard or non-wizard.” He adds, “For the layman, this means that Hooker and his ilk can STFU and read a goddamn book.”

Experts predict that there will be a sharp increase in illegal muggle abortions. They add that there is insufficient data to accurately predict future trends in wizard abortions, because wizards are too sneaky with their magic to be predictable.

Lifestyle

Aspiring writer says internet tips on overcoming writer’s block totally inspired him for five fucking minutes

CYBERSPACE–Saying that he has not written anything good in months, aspiring writer Jack Torrance, 41, overcame writer’s block for five fucking minutes after reading internet tips on overcoming writer’s block. “It’s terrific, these YouTube people and shit,” remarked Torrance. “They tell me to write as much as I can and forget about the fame and fortune and to write something rather than nothing, and I’m, like, fuck yeah, let’s write something, motherfucker, and I get excited about writing something for a whole five fucking minutes after hearing these tips.” After five minutes, the positive effects of the internet tips have all but vanished.  In those five minutes of glory, Torrance had managed to write one excellent blog post entitled “Aspiring writer says internet tips on overcoming writer’s block totally inspired him for five fucking minutes.” To celebrate his most recent accomplishments, he has resumed watching Netflix and masturbating to pornography.

Lifestyle

12 steps to a perfect fried chicken revealed

Ingredients

  • 4 cups all-purpose flour, divided
  • 2 tablespoons garlic salt
  • 1 tablespoon paprika
  • 3 teaspoons pepper, divided
  • 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1-1/2 cups water
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 broiler/fryer chickens (3-1/2 to 4 pounds each), cut up
  • Oil for deep-fat frying

Step 1: In a large shallow dish, combine 2-2/3 cups flour, 2 tablespoons garlic salt, 1 tablespoon paprika, 2-1/2 teaspoons pepper and 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning. Put your hands together and pray that you won’t get high blood pressure.

Step 2: In another shallow dish, beat eggs and 1-1/2 cups water; add 1 teaspoon salt and the remaining 1-1/3 cup flour and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Dip chicken in egg mixture, then place in the flour mixture, a few pieces at a time. Turn to coat. Then, dump everything in the trash and bury the chicken, because meat-eating is unethical anyway even though you can’t just fucking control yourself because it tastes so goddamn good. Pray that you won’t get high blood pressure. Exhume the chicken and recover the ingredients and move on to step 3.

Step 3: In a deep-fat fryer, heat oil to 375°. Working in batches, fry chicken, several pieces at a time, until golden brown and a thermometer inserted into chicken reads 165° about 7-8 minutes on each side. Drain on paper towels. Fuck, that’s greasy.

Step 4: The chicken is almost ready. Don’t eat it. Don’t eat it. It’s baaaaaaaaad for you.

Step 5: Fuck, you’re eating it it already. That’s fucking gross, man. No wonder you’re so fucking fat.

Step 6: Here, let me have a piece of that. Mmmm … it’s so good. Yummmmm …

Step 7: Spit it out. You disgusting slob … spit it out!

Step 8: Now, put it back in your mouth and chew on it some more. Mmmmm … feel that crispy chicken turn into mush. Yum! Repeat steps 7 and 8 until you accidentally (or intentionally) swallow some of that chicken.

Step 9: Puke it out. It’s baaaaaaaad for you.

Step: 10: Put your vomit in a blender.

Step 11: Pour the vomit out and put it in a microwavable bowl. Now, nuke that shit.

Step 12: Take a giant piece of very hard ice shaped like a bowl and touch your fried chicken vomit with it. The oil should stick onto the ice and the chicken should now be safe to consume.

Entertainment

Crappy WordPress user decides to write in shitty blog again

CYBERSPACE–After his credit card company mistook a WordPress premium subscription for an “unauthorized transaction,” impoverished WordPress user Ronald Dump decides to write again. “They took away my domain and now I’m left with a shitty blog URL,” lamented Dump. “I pay for the fucking thing every year, but I rarely post anything, so what’s the point?”
After doing some research, Dump discovered that roughly 97.2% of WordPress users have shitty blog addresses and most of them have shitty content that no one bothers to read anyway. “The whole thing is a fucking scam,” he writes, adding that “we write self-indulgent bullshit that no one reads.” Furthermore, WordPress has determined to fine Ronald Dump due to the disputed transaction. Dump, of course, is loathe to pay. “Everybody and their mother owe WordPress some money now,” he muttered under his breath. “Fucking bloodsuckers.”
Dump explains that he’d rather suck on his dog’s nuts than pay another 120 US dollars for a years’ worth of bullshit WordPress privileges, and from now on will remain frugal lest he reneges on his promise to refrain from paying and end up having to lick his dog’s nuts.
As of Wednesday morning, Dump has reneged on his promise not to pay and then coughed up the dough to renew his shitty website. He has not licked his dog’s nuts.

Education

Patriotic or Lazy? OSU Custodian Fired for Refusing to Peel

By Suom Fuikingdood

“That’s it. I’ve peeled off over two million pieces of tape. I refuse to peel off one more f****ng piece!”

Last words of Chad Nelson, a custodian who was recently fired from OSU for refusing to peel tape off the Ms on campus parking meters. Reminiscent of 2008, when Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) of the Beatles announced his refusal to sign autographs or read fan mail, Nelson’s announcement came as a shock to his supervisors.

“I know that Nelson, along with many other OSU custodians has worked to peel pieces and pieces of tape from Ms on campus. But now the job is almost finished and we just need to get a few more peeled. At OSU, we all work together. If you can’t work with the team, there’s no place for you on our distinguished janitorial staff,” was the response of Nelson’s supervisor. When further questioned, Nelson responded as follows:

“Are you f*()*(ing kidding me? I worked for days climbing rickety ladders to reach Ms all over campus. I could have been severely injured or killed, falling to bare concrete. Just to uncover a bunch of Ms that good Michigan hating, Buckeye loving students risked their necks to tape over.”

“Alright. It’s not that I really think this is about being a true Buckeye or not. I’m just fucking tired of peeling tape. I know those last pieces on the parking meters are at ground level and easy to reach. I just don’t want to peel anymore. Can’t you understand me?

And the parking meters should technically be considered the business of the road and those who maintain it, the meter readers. And even if I go ahead and peel the tape off the parking meters, then there may be more tape on street signs or businesses next door or next block. Where do you draw the line? The university shouldn’t have to cover the cost of tape removal from Ms all over the city? But if you give an inch, you know…” and so Nelson trailed off and went to the trailer to fry up some eggs and spark a doobie. But the story was pretty official sounding until about now. And good night.