Surgeon General warns young women pouring antifreeze on tampons
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid [...]
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Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her [...] -
Hardworking student proud she got into Harvard shirt
BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel [...] -
David Lynch keeps Twin Peaks fans in suspense
LOS ANGELES—To keep Twin Peaks audiences in suspense, David Lynch incorporated a loading screen in Season 3, Episode 8 of the cult TV series. “I’m bucking the [...] -
Fifth grade girls plan to visit Edward Snowden
MOSCOW—CIA agents R, like, so focused on Eddy Snowy’s bubble-licious handwriting 4 like no reason, lolz. Wut duz the CIA want? I luv Eddy he is like, so cute and [...] -
IKEA offers high-quality, unassembled pork chops
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s [...] -
Selfish female passenger confuses desperate man by reclining into his lap
LOS ANGELES—On a 14-hour flight to Tokyo, an irredeemably egocentric woman constantly reclined her seat into the lap of a recently divorced man, making him think that she [...] -
Zodiac killer gets rid of FBI director, makes threats
To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I [...] -
Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container
ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane [...] -
Stupid man who can’t play chess resorts to empty threats
WASHINGTON—Unable to win a chess game against me, a frustrated man is using empty threats and other juvenile methods of intimidation in hopes of overpowering me. Francisco [...] -
Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom
HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom. Guy Blöde, 33, put on his [...] -
Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication
WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him. “It’s a little too rough for me [...] -
Stoned jazz student thinks exasperated teacher digs his music
BALTIMORE—After smoking a large but indeterminate amount of marijuana, a jazz student mistook his teacher’s silence for a sign of musical approval. “The dude [...] -
Sick student dismembers another barbie
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll. School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of [...] -
Russians claim they did not meddle with US presidental erection
WASHINGTON—After President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the Putin spokesperson claimed that Russia did not meddle with the 2016 presidential erection. [...] -
Graduate student aspires to clean microwave oven for asshole colleagues
COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside. 24-year-old Rita [...] -
Chatty woman can’t stop talking about how boyfriend complains about how she talks too much
CHATTANOOGA, TN—An overly talkative woman talked nonstop about how her boyfriend complains about her talking too much. Janelle Adams, 32, said, “He’s always, [...] -
Elvis Parsley found in Unidentified Frying Objects
MEMPHIS—40 years after its disappearance, Elvis Parsley was found in a plate of Unidentified Frying Objects served at the B.B. King Blues Club and Grill on Beale Street. [...] -
Blogger seeks to regain popularity, writes bullshit
CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit. College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen [...] -
Impoverished men to sell lush eyebrows for survival
ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company [...] -
Job applicant turns out to be fat, hairy pervert
COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert. “We thought he [...] -
Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings
COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t [...] -
Ohio Residents Celebrate President Trump’s Legalization of Marijuana
by Doobie Man, Jr. “He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete [...] -
United Airlines botches rabbit meal, promises to do better
In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and [...] -
Kenny G assaults Delta passengers with nonconsensual sax
Los Angeles—Trapped in an airplane flying at 39,000 ft, Delta passengers failed to escape the unsolicited advances of Kenny Gorelick, more commonly known by his sobriquet [...] -
Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her
After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic [...] -
Customer service assistant swears he’ll repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen
ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the [...] -
Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest
Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press [...] -
Artistically talented kid squirts ketchup and mustard with impunity, continues to create masterpieces
KANSAS CITY—”Look,” said 10-year-old Marina as she squirted ketchup on the floor. “Jackson Pollock.” But Marina is no Jackson Pollock. In fact, she [...] -
CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95
Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television. “The House (gasp) [...] -
Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50
Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as [...] -
Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners
Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, [...] -
‘You like that, bruh? Yeah, you do’: Man gets six-pack by talking to himself
SEATTLE—Struggling with his last set of shoulder presses, Jimmy put on his war face, verbally encouraged himself, and got a six-pack. “You can do this, bruh. Yes you [...] -
Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen
At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is [...] -
U.S. Department of Education bolsters adult literacy using adult literature
32 million adults in the United States are illiterate, and this statistic has not changed in ten years, according to the U.S. Department of Education. In an attempt to [...] -
Donald McDonald promises to ‘make America fat again’, invades fatter foreign nations while no one knows what is going on anymore
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United [...] -
Trojans urge angry Michigan State Spartans to make love, not war
EAST LANSING, MI—When Michigan State University’s mascot Sparty propositioned Helen on Wednesday, she rebuffed his advances, saying that they can’t do it if [...] -
Single cactus at Home Depot longs for love and better living conditions
ALBUQUERQUE—A cactus at Home Depot is fed up with his living condition, and is reaching out to the plant kingdom in the hopes of finding a better home and a succulent [...] -
Musicians know tone-deaf rich people pretend to like jazz
NEW ORLEANS—Many tone-deaf, affluent audiences pretend to enjoy jazz, and their pearl necklaces and tailored suits aren’t fooling musicians. Weary of their [...] -
Banging head against desk breaks writer’s block
SACRAMENTO—Numerous authors have crushed writer’s block by banging their heads against desks, and many of these writers have risen to fame. Touted by the Observer as [...] -
Insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent, study finds
BOSTON—A new paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent than their well-slept counterparts. [...] -
Girl regrets showing political ice cream photos to boyfriend while cuddling
WASHINGTON—A girl found out the hard way not to show images of political ice cream images to her boyfriend while cuddling. During a cuddling session with her boyfriend [...] -
Mr. Rhinovirus enters Johnny’s left nose-hole
UPPER RESPIRATORY TRACT—Mr. Rhinovirus sat bored on a table. It sat there for a billion years until Johnny’s mother came along and said, “Johnny, wear your [...] -
Eggcorns did not pass mustard for all intensive purposes
SANDY EGGO—On Thursday, a plate of delicious eggcorns on my violet silverware failed to pass mustard with Chef Ramsay, who called my dish a “jar-dropping failure for [...] -
High-maintenance demon Baxaxaxa hires child to regain popularity.
NEW ORLEANS—Thought to have been consigned to oblivion three millennia ago, the attention-seeking demon Baxaxaxa made a last-ditch attempt to reenter our collective [...] -
AT&T expands coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers
DALLAS—AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson announced on Tuesday that the company will expand coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers. “Bad wireless coverage [...] -
Suicidal woman who smokes weed loses lighter, was ‘staaaaarving, dude’
DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.” The husband [...] -
One eggplant slowly recovers from discoloration, begins to talk
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—One of the two eggplants that unexpectedly took on a humanoid shape last Friday is slowly regaining its normal hue. In what scientists think is the most [...] -
Students take advantage of classmate by violating his personal space
EVANSTON, IL—Overly enthusiastic students at a university in Evanston repeatedly violated their new classmate’s personal space on Monday. Jesse, 25, smiled wryly as [...] -
Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder
WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping [...]
Potentially Pulitzer Prize-Winning Articles
- Stupid man who can't play chess resorts to empty threats
- Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses
- Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with 'good-hearted' owners
- Selfish female passenger confuses desperate man by reclining into his lap
- Sick student dismembers another barbie
- Eggcorns did not pass mustard for all intensive purposes
- Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay's kitchen
- Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her
- Blogger seeks to regain popularity, writes bullshit
- Banging head against desk breaks writer's block
