Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid
Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some [...]
-
-
Piano teacher tries hard not to be a dick
NEW YORK—After doing some soul searching, a piano teacher resolves to be less of a dick. “There’s a fine line between being firm and being a total dick,” [...] -
Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read
EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read. Jacques Johnson, 63, [...] -
Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl
Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald [...] -
Cunning linguist enters banged-up Volvo
EUGENE, OR—Saying that he felt too cold to be out in the snow, a cunning linguist gained entrance into a woman’s Volvo. “I was just so tired from drawing Venn [...] -
A sophomoric introduction to bullshit
In college, my adviser introduced me to elementary logic and opened my eyes to the beauty of academic philosophy, at once dispelling popular misconceptions of philosophy as [...] -
Bears don’t understand why people say ‘awww’
NATURE—A bear and her cub fail to comprehend why people seem to say “awww” to them all the time. “Yesterday, I was walking around on my paws just [...] -
Surgeon reluctant to operate on conjoined twins
BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger [...] -
Las Vegas shooter had salad before rampage
LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500. “He said he didn’t want croutons and that [...] -
Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, [...] -
Woman gives tips on how to subtly show off book in public
NEW YORK—Eager to take the world by storm, a young graduate of a prestigious liberal arts college carries a difficult book in public every day, painstakingly ensuring that [...] -
Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now
LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently [...] -
Trump plagiarizes Gettysburg Address, delivers formal apology to nation
After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham [...] -
Faithful man enraged that wife is cheating on taxes
NASHVILLE, TN—Suspecting that something funny is going on with his wife, an Internal Revenue Service agent purposefully came home early to catch his wife in the act. [...] -
Surgeon General warns young women pouring antifreeze on tampons
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid [...] -
Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her [...] -
Hardworking student proud she got into Harvard shirt
BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel [...] -
David Lynch keeps Twin Peaks fans in suspense
LOS ANGELES—To keep Twin Peaks audiences in suspense, David Lynch incorporated a loading screen in Season 3, Episode 8 of the cult TV series. “I’m bucking the [...] -
Fifth grade girls plan to visit Edward Snowden
MOSCOW—CIA agents R, like, so focused on Eddy Snowy’s bubble-licious handwriting 4 like no reason, lolz. Wut duz the CIA want? I luv Eddy he is like, so cute and [...] -
IKEA offers high-quality, unassembled pork chops
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s [...] -
Selfish female passenger confuses desperate man by reclining into his lap
LOS ANGELES—On a 14-hour flight to Tokyo, an irredeemably egocentric woman constantly reclined her seat into the lap of a recently divorced man, making him think that she [...] -
Zodiac killer gets rid of FBI director, makes threats
To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I [...] -
Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container
ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane [...] -
Stupid man who can’t play chess resorts to empty threats
WASHINGTON—Unable to win a chess game against me, a frustrated man is using empty threats and other juvenile methods of intimidation in hopes of overpowering me. Francisco [...] -
Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom
HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom. Guy Blöde, 33, put on his [...] -
Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication
WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him. “It’s a little too rough for me [...] -
Stoned jazz student thinks exasperated teacher digs his music
BALTIMORE—After smoking a large but indeterminate amount of marijuana, a jazz student mistook his teacher’s silence for a sign of musical approval. “The dude [...] -
Sick student dismembers another barbie
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll. School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of [...] -
Russians claim they did not meddle with US presidental erection
WASHINGTON—After President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the Putin spokesperson claimed that Russia did not meddle with the 2016 presidential erection. [...] -
Graduate student aspires to clean microwave oven for asshole colleagues
COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside. 24-year-old Rita [...] -
Chatty woman can’t stop talking about how boyfriend complains about how she talks too much
CHATTANOOGA, TN—An overly talkative woman talked nonstop about how her boyfriend complains about her talking too much. Janelle Adams, 32, said, “He’s always, [...] -
Elvis Parsley found in Unidentified Frying Objects
MEMPHIS—40 years after its disappearance, Elvis Parsley was found in a plate of Unidentified Frying Objects served at the B.B. King Blues Club and Grill on Beale Street. [...] -
Blogger seeks to regain popularity, writes bullshit
CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit. College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen [...] -
Impoverished men to sell lush eyebrows for survival
ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company [...] -
Job applicant turns out to be fat, hairy pervert
COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert. “We thought he [...] -
Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings
COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t [...] -
Ohio Residents Celebrate President Trump’s Legalization of Marijuana
by Doobie Man, Jr. “He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete [...] -
United Airlines botches rabbit meal, promises to do better
In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and [...] -
Kenny G assaults Delta passengers with nonconsensual sax
Los Angeles—Trapped in an airplane flying at 39,000 ft, Delta passengers failed to escape the unsolicited advances of Kenny Gorelick, more commonly known by his sobriquet [...] -
Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her
After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic [...] -
Customer service assistant swears he’ll repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen
ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the [...] -
Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest
Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press [...] -
Artistically talented kid squirts ketchup and mustard with impunity, continues to create masterpieces
KANSAS CITY—”Look,” said 10-year-old Marina as she squirted ketchup on the floor. “Jackson Pollock.” But Marina is no Jackson Pollock. In fact, she [...] -
CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95
Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television. “The House (gasp) [...] -
Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50
Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as [...] -
Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners
Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, [...] -
‘You like that, bruh? Yeah, you do’: Man gets six-pack by talking to himself
SEATTLE—Struggling with his last set of shoulder presses, Jimmy put on his war face, verbally encouraged himself, and got a six-pack. “You can do this, bruh. Yes you [...] -
Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen
At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is [...] -
U.S. Department of Education bolsters adult literacy using adult literature
32 million adults in the United States are illiterate, and this statistic has not changed in ten years, according to the U.S. Department of Education. In an attempt to [...] -
Donald McDonald promises to ‘make America fat again’, invades fatter foreign nations while no one knows what is going on anymore
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United [...]
Potentially Pulitzer Prize-Winning Articles
- Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day
- Stupid man who can't play chess resorts to empty threats
- Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid
- Selfish female passenger confuses desperate man by reclining into his lap
- Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with 'good-hearted' owners
- Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses
- Sick student dismembers another barbie
- Eggcorns did not pass mustard for all intensive purposes
- Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay's kitchen
- Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read
