By Suom Fuikingdood “That’s it. I’ve peeled off over two million pieces of tape. I refuse to peel off one more f****ng piece!” Last words of Chad Nelson, a custodian who was recently fired from OSU for refusing to peel tape off the Ms on campus parking meters. Reminiscent of 2008, when Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) of the Beatles
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Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one gram of the traditional Korean herb per week for the past two years. “I try getting my daughter to smoke
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Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire
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After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot to save my work, and I thought I’d never make it. But here I am with my snazzy degree, and
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Saying that he would rather witness a live decapitation than watch two people kiss on screen, twelve-year-old film critic Dustin Huffman lambasted the film industry with an interminable slew of “ew”s. “I watched Ready Player One and the book was definitely better than the movie, because there were too many kissing scenes in the movie,” he explained. “Ewwwwww.” In the
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Dog-tired from work, my wife and I decided to pamper ourselves at the fancy-looking Hannibal’s Restaurant, the only place in the world where you can legally consume human flesh. Fiasco. We were made to wait half an hour before our pimple-faced waiter handed us a knife, which we used to cut off our own love handles. Needless to say, the
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Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. “Girl, that thing about Frege’s sinn und bedeutung was fucking dope,” she allegedly gushed in a secret phone conversation. “And that motherfucking connection between Kantian aesthetics and Romantic poetics as you can fucking see in Caspar David
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