CYBERSPACE–Saying that he has not written anything good in months, aspiring writer Jack Torrance, 41, overcame writer’s block for five fucking minutes after reading internet tips on overcoming writer’s block. “It’s terrific, these YouTube people and shit,” remarked Torrance. “They tell me to write as much as I can and forget about the fame and fortune and to write something rather than nothing, and I’m, like, fuck yeah, let’s write something, motherfucker, and I get excited about writing something for a whole five fucking minutes after hearing these tips.” After five minutes, the positive effects of the internet tips have all but vanished. In those five minutes of glory, Torrance had managed to write one excellent blog post entitled “Aspiring writer says internet tips on overcoming writer’s block totally inspired him for five fucking minutes.” To celebrate his most recent accomplishments, he has resumed watching Netflix and masturbating to pornography.
- 4 cups all-purpose flour, divided
- 2 tablespoons garlic salt
- 1 tablespoon paprika
- 3 teaspoons pepper, divided
- 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
- 2 large eggs
- 1-1/2 cups water
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 broiler/fryer chickens (3-1/2 to 4 pounds each), cut up
- Oil for deep-fat frying
Step 1: In a large shallow dish, combine 2-2/3 cups flour, 2 tablespoons garlic salt, 1 tablespoon paprika, 2-1/2 teaspoons pepper and 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning. Put your hands together and pray that you won’t get high blood pressure.
Step 2: In another shallow dish, beat eggs and 1-1/2 cups water; add 1 teaspoon salt and the remaining 1-1/3 cup flour and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Dip chicken in egg mixture, then place in the flour mixture, a few pieces at a time. Turn to coat. Then, dump everything in the trash and bury the chicken, because meat-eating is unethical anyway even though you can’t just fucking control yourself because it tastes so goddamn good. Pray that you won’t get high blood pressure. Exhume the chicken and recover the ingredients and move on to step 3.
Step 3: In a deep-fat fryer, heat oil to 375°. Working in batches, fry chicken, several pieces at a time, until golden brown and a thermometer inserted into chicken reads 165° about 7-8 minutes on each side. Drain on paper towels. Fuck, that’s greasy.
Step 4: The chicken is almost ready. Don’t eat it. Don’t eat it. It’s baaaaaaaaad for you.
Step 5: Fuck, you’re eating it it already. That’s fucking gross, man. No wonder you’re so fucking fat.
Step 6: Here, let me have a piece of that. Mmmm … it’s so good. Yummmmm …
Step 7: Spit it out. You disgusting slob … spit it out!
Step 8: Now, put it back in your mouth and chew on it some more. Mmmmm … feel that crispy chicken turn into mush. Yum! Repeat steps 7 and 8 until you accidentally (or intentionally) swallow some of that chicken.
Step 9: Puke it out. It’s baaaaaaaad for you.
Step: 10: Put your vomit in a blender.
Step 11: Pour the vomit out and put it in a microwavable bowl. Now, nuke that shit.
Step 12: Take a giant piece of very hard ice shaped like a bowl and touch your fried chicken vomit with it. The oil should stick onto the ice and the chicken should now be safe to consume.
CYBERSPACE–After his credit card company mistook a WordPress premium subscription for an “unauthorized transaction,” impoverished WordPress user Ronald Dump decides to write again. “They took away my domain and now I’m left with a shitty blog URL,” lamented Dump. “I pay for the fucking thing every year, but I rarely post anything, so what’s the point?”
After doing some research, Dump discovered that roughly 97.2% of WordPress users have shitty blog addresses and most of them have shitty content that no one bothers to read anyway. “The whole thing is a fucking scam,” he writes, adding that “we write self-indulgent bullshit that no one reads.” Furthermore, WordPress has determined to fine Ronald Dump due to the disputed transaction. Dump, of course, is loathe to pay. “Everybody and their mother owe WordPress some money now,” he muttered under his breath. “Fucking bloodsuckers.”
Dump explains that he’d rather suck on his dog’s nuts than pay another 120 US dollars for a years’ worth of bullshit WordPress privileges, and from now on will remain frugal lest he reneges on his promise to refrain from paying and end up having to lick his dog’s nuts.
As of Wednesday morning, Dump has reneged on his promise not to pay and then coughed up the dough to renew his shitty website. He has not licked his dog’s nuts.
By Suom Fuikingdood
“That’s it. I’ve peeled off over two million pieces of tape. I refuse to peel off one more f****ng piece!”
Last words of Chad Nelson, a custodian who was recently fired from OSU for refusing to peel tape off the Ms on campus parking meters. Reminiscent of 2008, when Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) of the Beatles announced his refusal to sign autographs or read fan mail, Nelson’s announcement came as a shock to his supervisors.
“I know that Nelson, along with many other OSU custodians has worked to peel pieces and pieces of tape from Ms on campus. But now the job is almost finished and we just need to get a few more peeled. At OSU, we all work together. If you can’t work with the team, there’s no place for you on our distinguished janitorial staff,” was the response of Nelson’s supervisor. When further questioned, Nelson responded as follows:
“Are you f*()*(ing kidding me? I worked for days climbing rickety ladders to reach Ms all over campus. I could have been severely injured or killed, falling to bare concrete. Just to uncover a bunch of Ms that good Michigan hating, Buckeye loving students risked their necks to tape over.”
“Alright. It’s not that I really think this is about being a true Buckeye or not. I’m just fucking tired of peeling tape. I know those last pieces on the parking meters are at ground level and easy to reach. I just don’t want to peel anymore. Can’t you understand me?
And the parking meters should technically be considered the business of the road and those who maintain it, the meter readers. And even if I go ahead and peel the tape off the parking meters, then there may be more tape on street signs or businesses next door or next block. Where do you draw the line? The university shouldn’t have to cover the cost of tape removal from Ms all over the city? But if you give an inch, you know…” and so Nelson trailed off and went to the trailer to fry up some eggs and spark a doobie. But the story was pretty official sounding until about now. And good night.
Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one gram of the traditional Korean herb per week for the past two years. “I try getting my daughter to smoke sacred vegetable, tell her good for homework grades and such, but she say no.”
Published in the Journal of Korean Medical Science, “Epidemiology of Cannabis Use and Associated Benefits” claims that 53 percent of Koreans aged sixty or above are “satisfied” with the marijuana they have been receiving, 20 percent are “very satisfied,” and 9 percent are “too high to respond properly.”
The results are encouraging for Koreans, who are viewed by neighboring Asians as one of the most progressive citizens of the world ever since a referendum in 2013 paved the way for the legalization of marijuana and other substances, including cocaine and methamphetamine, both of which are frequently used to boost studying and work.
Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire life. So if it works for children, it ought to work for parents. And then they’ll be better parents and turn their kids into better kids.”
Dr. Gupta adds that it doesn’t matter how the parents are spanked as long as they sustain moderate-to-severe injury. “Fuck them; who gives a shit about those fuckers? When I see an unruly kid who has respect for neither education nor humanity, I just want to strangle their parents. Or hack them into little pieces. Or should I drown them in their own vomit? Hmm … I can’t decide.”
Parent Robert Whoresly concurs with Dr. Gupta: “I used to think that I was a good father, that all I needed to do was to hand my kids over to a good private school teacher or tutor and then bam! Data and civility will be uploaded into that little son of a bitch’s little brain. But after getting my teeth kicked out by a Catholic nun yesterday, I now know that I haven’t been doing jack shit to turn him into a better person, that little son of a bitch.”
After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot to save my work, and I thought I’d never make it. But here I am with my snazzy degree, and my parents must be so proud. I love you, Mom and Dad!”
According to Dr. Dave Yew, who works at an accredited university somewhere in Asia, the field of copying and pasting has grown exponentially in the past two decades, and its importance in the ever-changing world that we live in cannot be disputed. “The advent of the laptop has afforded all of us beautiful opportunities to help the world. Back then, we had typewriters. But now, with our cutting-edge technology, we can really help to disseminate important information across the globe by putting into practice the binary computational theory of C.T.R.L.C. and C.T.R.L.V. as well as some abstruse principles of L.O.L. language.”
A beaming Christina adds that “Dr. Yew is the best teacher ever. Seriously, he really cares about teaching. First, whatever he says is right. Second, we can never be smarter than him. And he lets us know that. Isn’t he just brilliant?”
By all accounts, Christina has a long and exciting life ahead of her. Armed with expert knowledge of Microsoft Word and PowerPoint, Christina plans to take the world by storm by any means necessary.
Dr. Yew, who has two PhDs in Copy and Paste, will be teaching a course on the History of Western Art and another on Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy. Ever indefatigable and brimming with scholarship, he does not plan to retire any time soon.