URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, IL—A study done at the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign (UIUC) shows that 93 percent of international school students experience hallucinations. The source of these hallucinations has not been determined, but researchers are beginning to suspect that genetics may play a role.
“From unpublished research done at various universities in the Midwest, it seems that those who are genetically predisposed to delusions of grandeur and an inflated ego tend to give birth to children who experience these as-of-yet unexplained hallucinations,” said Kirk Sanders, Centennial Professor of Neuroscience at UIUC. “International school students who suffer from [hallucinations] sometimes imagine things that aren’t there. They might, for example, hear the nonexistent verbal adulation of peers when they exit their parents’ cars, or see a new Porsche Carrera GT in their garage when they in reality only have a decade-old Boxster.”
Since 2013, more than a thousand international school students from Asia and the Middle East have been hospitalized for experiencing strong hallucinations and sometimes even psychosis. The number of international school students hospitalized for these reasons have increased since then, and experts are beginning to raise awareness of a potential pandemic. “We do not know the exact cause of this pathology as of yet,” said psychologist Richard Fujimori of Rice University. “What we do know is that, though causation cannot be established yet, there is a striking correlation between being an international school student and a patient of this hallucinatory disorder.”
Some experts, however, disagree. In a PTA meeting at the American School in Taichung, Math teacher Butch Torres said, much to the chagrin of concerned parents, that students who claim to hallucinate are “little liars with their pants on fire and covered in fecal matter.” When parents asked him to elaborate, Torres repeatedly stressed the importance of physical punishment. “Spank them until they beg for their mommas, and then spank them some more, and then, well shit, spank them some more, and they’ll be fine, there won’t be any pandemic and the parents can have their culpa mea” explained Torres.