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Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses

From left to right: Mark Schroeder, Elizabeth Anscombe, Karolina Chimchenko, and Norman Bates

COLUMBUS, OH—A group of home-schooled fourth graders have established a new interdisciplinary peer-reviewed journal entitled Midwest Journal of the Metaphysics of Art, stunning  professors and graduate students from disciplines ranging from the arts to biomedical engineering. “The problem with postmodern art is that much of it, while visually pleasing, is based on little to no understanding of basic propositional logic, let alone the rigorous philosophical methods that metaphysicians of art must employ,” said 10-year-old Tom Bruise, who received an honorary doctoral degree from The Ohio State University in 2004.

At a Rothko convention in Dayton, 10-year-old postmodernist Dustin Huffman disagreed, citing bits and pieces of Derrida and Buddhist philosophy. “A veritable comprehension of the dualism that is both inherent and negatively response-dependent within the realm of tauroscatological sufficiency cannot be attained by means of any conventional logical stratagem,” he quipped.

What followed Huffman’s incisive comment was a spirited intellectual debate among the top scholars in the field, with some even drawing abstruse evidence from chaos theory to bolster their points.

Under the supervision of their parents, the fourth graders continue to break new ground. Scores of scholars from across the nation will attend the fourth graders’ next Rothko convention in April.

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