Renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation

NEW YORK—A motley crew of musicians and doctors confirmed that world-renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation, a disorder that afflicts more than 3.5 million pianists worldwide.

The pianist is the recipient of numerous accolades and has performed for former Secretary-General of the United Nations Kofi Annan, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, Vladimir Putin, and numerous other international dignitaries.

Despite his sterling reputation, Lang has had to conceal the diagnosis for years, and his premature articulations have begun to affect his playing in recent months. In his latest performance of Franz Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 at Carnegie Hall, Lang came short of restraining his excitement, moaning and gesticulating wildly in front of a hitherto captivated audience as his fingers hurriedly pounded towards the finale, ultimately ending the piece two minutes too soon.

“It just started to distract us from the music, you know,” said celebrated jazz artist Herbie Hancock. “I mean, sure, I’ve said awesome things about the cat before, but he’s gotta control himself, you dig?”

Sources told reporters at the Beagle that Lang has sought treatment for his disorder at the NYU Langone Medical Center.

Experts at Johns Hopkins say that premature articulation primarily affects young male pianists, but recent years have seen an uptick in the prevalence of the disorder among older populations.

Swathes of music critics have noticed Lang ‘s affliction. Fortunately, most of them are somewhat sympathetic to his plight.

Lang has declined to comment on the matter.

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