Koala discovers LSD, finds meaning of life
MELBOURNE—A koala suffering from heat stroke fell off a eucalyptus tree and climbed into a zoological laboratory in which he later discovered and ingested Lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD.
Upon ingesting LSD, the koala, named Albert, exited the laboratory and climbed back onto the tree. He stared at a piece of bark for 72 hours and found himself in a soul-healing psychedelic journey that soon allowed him to discover the meaning of life.
Koalas are said to be incorrigible drug addicts that munch on eucalyptus leaves, whose touted narcotic properties compel them to sleep for up to 20 hours per day. Contrary to popular belief, however, eucalyptus leaves do not contain psychoactive substances, and researchers at the University of Melbourne have concluded years ago that koalas sleep excessively due to chronic boredom and major depression.
Psychologists have long suspected that Albert suffers from clinical depression, and have put him on suicide watch for more than three years. The sullen koala reportedly said on at least one occasion that “I am tired of being such a useless and clingy beta male so maybe I should end it all, mate.”
Albert no longer suffers from depression, and has been exceptionally cheery all morning. Fellow zoo animals allege that he is a “different and better man” and said that the heatstroke was a “blessing in disguise.” This morning, he greeted us with boundless ebullience, saying “G’day, mate.”