AT&T expands coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers

DALLAS—AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson announced on Tuesday that the company will expand coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers.

“Bad wireless coverage has been responsible for millions of avoidable deaths,” said Stephenson. “Now, you no longer have to worry about not being able to place a call when you most need to.”

The wireless carrier has faced a series of PR debacles in recent years involving customers who died because their cellular signal were too low for them to place calls while being chased by murderers. In 2015 in White Pine Bay, Oregon, three AT&T users could not place emergency calls due to poor cellphone reception, and were subsequently stabbed repeatedly in their motel before being wrapped in shower curtains and dumped into a nearby lake. Last year, in Kingsland, Texas, five teenagers whose phone signals were too poor were disconnected from 911 minutes before they were disemboweled by a masked assailant.

After AT&T resolved to tackle these problems, other major carriers have begun to follow suit. Verizon, for example, announced that it will provide users signal in areas prone to demonic possessions, and T-Mobile is rumored to be developing a network coverage that protects callers from homicidal clowns.

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