DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.”

The husband returned from work to find his wife, Marjorie Queen, 56, sprawled lifelessly on the living room couch with an empty pack of Doritos still in her left hand, a TV remote control in her right, and an unholy grin on her face. A suicide letter was tucked in her shirt pocket.

The husband said that the suicide letter was a “collection of near-illegible laments that highlighted just how distraught she was.” According to the letter, Mrs. Queen’s last words were: “Where’s my lighter? Who Bic-ed me? I’m staaaaarving, dude.”

Mrs. Queen was under the impression that cannabis is more dangerous and addictive than heroin and methamphetamine. She obtained the marijuana from her son’s room, where she found a Ziploc filled with Durban Poison, a strain of marijuana. Coroners concluded that Mrs. Queen smoked an entire ounce of the high-quality marijuana in 20 minutes.

The federal government warns that, while cannabis does not directly cause death, excessive consumption leads to starvation and extreme fire hazards related to smokers’ inability to find and operate lighters.

Marijuana addicts lose billions of dangerous Bic lighters every year, and die starving with unholy grins on their stupid faces.