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Trojans urge angry Michigan State Spartans to make love, not war

EAST LANSING, MI—When Michigan State University’s mascot Sparty propositioned Helen on Wednesday, she rebuffed his advances, saying that they can’t do it if they don’t have protection. Relations between the two nation states have deteriorated, with the Trojans offering love and free condoms in their attempt to appease the Spartans.

Having had no luck with the cheerleaders at MSU, the school’s mascot Sparty voyaged to Greece in search of love. He found Helen on Tinder. “The two of us decided to drink some ouzo under an olive tree, and then we immediately hit it off. But then she wouldn’t jump into bed with me because I had no protection.”

msu condom poster

A Public Health Advisory seen in the city of Troy.

Sparty, an influential figure in Sparta, informed Spartan authorities of Helen’s rejection, with which the nation state took offense. King Menelaus recently denounced Troy’s behavior in a press briefing, demanding that King Priam either make a public apology to the Spartan people or go to war.

“We want no bloodshed,” said Menelaus. “But if the Trojans are going to misbehave, we’ll show them who wears the pants.”

In response to this threat, Troy has been offering free condoms as a gesture of goodwill, advising both sides to make love, not war.

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