WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.
More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.
“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.
The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”
No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”
The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”
In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”
Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”
Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.
Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.
No one knows what is going on anymore.