32 million adults in the United States are illiterate, and this statistic has not changed in ten years, according to the U.S. Department of Education. In an attempt to bolster American adult literacy, the federal government is urging educators to promote adult reading materials from across the globe.
The new literacy campaign, called “No Adults Left Behind,” brings to the spotlight literary works that have “serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.” To this end, educators encourage adult readers to start with works from Ancient Rome, considered by many to be a more culturally advanced civilization than the not-so-United States of America. So far, the federal government’s efforts to increase literacy have already led to astounding success in the prison population, seventy percent of which is illiterate.
Beagle reporters who visited the Litchfield Penitentiary in New York on Thursday were impressed by how well-read the inmates there have become. One inmate, Piper Chapman, quoted Catullus: “Your ass is purer than a saltcellar, nor do you take a shit ten times in the whole year. When you do, it’s harder than beans and pebbles; and if you rub and crumble it in your hands, you can’t ever dirty a finger.” She added, “Stay at home, and prepare yourself for nine back-to-back fuckings.”
Another prisoner, self-proclaimed poetry professor Alex Vause, recited the words of Martial: “Your little dog licks your mouth and lips, Piper. I am not surprised — it always enjoyed eating shit.” She added, “You are in fact a fucker of women. You dare to rub together two pussies, and your clitoris plays the role of a male.”
Emulating the prison system’s success, high school teachers in the Appalachians have incorporated the Turin Erotic Papyrus and Mozart’s magnum opus, “Leck mich im Arsch” (“Lick me in the Ass”). “Our goal is to make our young adults appreciate the beauty of the written word in different forms,” said Principal Amy Robertson. “Words are everywhere, so books don’t have a monopoly on good literature. Art and music contain quality literature as well. After all, Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature, right?”