ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the future, repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen.
Jerry, who is an employee at the fast food chain Los Pollos Hermanos, said that “I have killed before, and I will kill again. I will stab you, and stab you, and stab you. You’ll be spraying and splattering blood on my face, and I’ll be smiling at you when that happens.”
The customer service assistant’s neighbors confirmed that the man is of sound mind and has a social life. One neighbor said, “Jerry’s a pretty cool guy. We cook ribs with that guy. He’s just a normal, well-adjusted guy who comes out and washes his motorcycle and stuff, and sometimes we just have a beer together and chat on my front porch.”
Another neighbor said, “Jerry is the most genuine person I know. When he says “How may I be of assistance to you?’, he means every word of it. When he asks you if ‘everything is to your satisfaction’, you know for sure that he wants to do his best. So, if he says he’ll be smiling when he slits your fucking throat, well, is that smile real? You bet it is.”
Sources confirmed that Jerry intends to shove your body into a polyethylene barrel, carefully pour hydrofluoric acid into the container, and wait until your corporeal identity has dissolved into a nameless sludge before loading the container into a nondescript truck headed for Mexico. “The trick is to sort of fold your body so that we can squish it in the container,” he said. “Otherwise, I’ll have to hack you to pieces and put your torso into one container, and your legs into another. Now, that’s just too time-consuming, wouldn’t you agree?”