Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest

Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press decided to publish a fireproof version of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.

Written by an avid library-goer who never went to college, the classic novel recounts the tale of a dystopian future in which all books are banned in the name of keeping people safe and happy.

Trump signed the Executive Order in response to a recent spate of disillusioned Americans who wanted to restore stability to a country torn by violent sociopolitical disagreements.

He said, “Coloured people don’t like Little Black Sambo. Burn it. White people don’t feel good about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Burn it. Someone’s written a book on tobacco and cancer of the lungs? The cigarette people are weeping? Burn the book.”

The president’s plan backfired. Citing their right to assemble peaceably under the First Amendment, thousands of people from across the nation staged protests against the Executive Order. Riots broke out in major cities. Twelve people reportedly died in Portland as a result of the civil unrest, and hundreds of protesters and riot police are in critical condition.

Not long after the riots broke out, universities in the English-speaking world developed the first-ever fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451, which some government officials are calling “treacherous and morally repugnant.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions stated in a press briefing, “The First Amendment guarantees us the right to assemble peaceably. What they do not give us is the right to assemble when people’s safety is at stake. Books contain conflicting, confusing, and controversial ideas that often threaten national security. To assemble in any way, shape or form for the purpose of promoting or condoning the dissemination of books that have not been federally approved is wrong. Period.

Fahrenheit 351 [sic] is the epitome of everything that is treacherous and morally repugnant. It is unfortunate that America’s youth are being corrupted by the ramblings of a dead madman who didn’t even go to college.

“It is even more concerning that the left and their cabal of book-reading lunatics are terrorizing the nation with these so-called peaceful protests, that they are immortalizing a dangerous book that is on a par with Mein Kampf and ISIS propaganda.”

As of this morning, firemen have been deployed in all major cities in America to burn books. Destroyed literature ranges from Dr. Seuss to Plato.

After making the new edition of Fahrenheit 451 available to the public, Oxford University Press will release fireproof editions of George Orwell’s 1984, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, and the United States Constitution.

Trump’s book, The Art of the Deal, is not on the lengthy list of books deemed inappropriate by the White House.

Categories: Politics

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