United Airlines botches rabbit meal, promises to do better
In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and virtually cremated.
Following recent PR disasters involving the forcible removal of a paying passenger, United Airlines incensed the public yet again when froze a Continental Giant rabbit named Simon and improperly cooked it on a sixteen-hour flight from London to Chicago.
“We’ve been focusing so much on the negative these days, you know, with that pain-in-the-ass passenger we had to drag off the plane and all that shit, so we figured it’s time for change,” said CEO Oscar Munoz. “We thought, ‘Hey, why not defrost Simon and eat him since he’s already dead,’ you know?”
Flight attendants instructed to defrost Simon were dismayed when they found that the rabbit had already been defrosted and improperly cooked by untrained personnel.
“They practically cremated him,” said flight attendant Tom Bruise. “He was inedible. We really fucked that one up. I mean, is there one thing we can’t manage to fuck up?”
United issued a public apology following the botched meal, and promises to deliver consistently high-quality rabbit meals in the future.