COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert.
“We thought he was going to be a smart fella,” said one reporter. “But as soon as he walked in here, I saw all that fat. No one that fat can be competent at anything, let alone work here.”
In the thankfully short time he was here, Mr. Kay harassed us with a bunch of braggy sentences. “I sent you my resume last week,” he said. “As you can see, I have a masters in journalism from Northwestern and a PhD in comparative literature from Columbia. I’ve worked at The New York Times, The New Yorker, and New York, so I have some job experience.”
But Mr. Kay’s credentials were promptly invalidated because Mr. Kay is fat. He is a fat, hairy, useless, loser pervert who will never fit into society because he is old and fat and useless and uncool. And we made sure he knew.
“You’re a fat, old pervert and you deserve to die,” we told him. “You’re fat. You’re fat. You’re old and you have two kids. Haha. Loser.
“Why don’t you just kill yourself, poor old man? Yeah. Just go kill yourself,” we advised. “Go kill yourself and then go suck a bag of dicks.”
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