COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t really understand.
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him,” he recited repeatedly during poetry night at Kafe Kerouac, Columbus’s ultimate bastion of genuine hipsterdom. “Nietzsche, my main man!”
Jealous of Mr. Babbitt’s formidable philosophical quoting abilities, swathes of scarf-wearing, artisanal cheese-eating minions of America’s moribund liberal arts culture have attempted to overshadow the autistic savant’s brilliance by quoting passages from Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Derrida.
Mr. Babbitt, however, was not dissuaded by the green-eyed hipsters. “The body is our general medium for having a world,” he said, echoing Merleau Ponty. “Yeah. Merleau Ponty. My main man.”
Unfortunately for Mr. Babbitt, it seems that hipsters are not the only people who are unhappy about his achievements. Professor of philosophy Bruce Mayer Ginsburg lamented, “It’s sad to see such brilliance go to waste. We have someone who can count toothpicks faster than Bertrand Russell, who could have revolutionized logic before Saul Kripke came along, or been recognized as a crucial figure in American politics like John Rawls, or even ruled the Roman Empire like Marcus Aurelius.
“Instead of doing good academic philosophy, or counting cards, or whatever rain men like to do, he sits around in his artisanal jacket sipping seven-dollar vegan espresso drinks with ridiculous names like ‘Of Mice and Zen’. He complains about the nutritional value of Qantas Airlines’s organic tapioca pudding. He says he has to get an undercut. He’ll throw a tantrum in thirty seconds if he has to use Windows instead of Mac.”
When Beagle reporters asked Mr. Babbitt to comment, the savant said that his accusers were “mansplaining.” He added, “To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend. Main mansplaining. Uh-oh! UH-OH! Ow! Ow! OW!”
He explained, “Derrida. My main man.”
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