LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.
School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.
“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”
The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.
“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”