Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication
WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him.
“It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.”
White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and that a rectal obstruction from which he is allegedly suffering is now under threat of being penetrated by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and other hardheaded Democrats.
In his effort to appease the agitated president, Kremlin Press Secretary Dmitry Peskov told Trump, “There is nothing to worry about, my friend. In Soviet Russia, you don’t urinate on whores. Government urinate and shit on you. Oh, shit. Wait … that’s not the way the joke works, is it?”
“The President attempted to obstruct the probe by firing [FBI Director] James Comey,” said Trump’s lawyer Jaw Sekulow. “I’m just a new guy on his legal team. I don’t know him well. Fuck it. I guess I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”