Breaking News

Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container

ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach.

After accidentally breaking a bad fly swatter, Jamie Yeoman, 25, took a bottle of hydrochloric acid off the shelf, squirting it at a gargantuan Madagascar cockroach that contaminated his hitherto immaculate laboratory. Although aggressive, his tactic was far from lethal, and the cockroach, which as a species is said to be able to withstand 2,000 times the amount of radiation considered lethal for humans, absconded unscathed.

“That lab is, like, my private domicile, yo,” he said. “Bitch.”

The chemist is still searching for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach. On the bottom of the container should be stamped the letters “LDPE.”

If you have any potentially helpful information for Mr. Yeoman, please call 148-3, 3-to-the-3-to-the-6-to-the-9, representing the ABQ. Waddup, beyotch? Leave it at the tone.

About Bald Beagle (73 Articles)
We are a satirical news source that welcomes contributors of all shapes and sizes. We love you. Will you love us back?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: