To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I will sexually assault your women. I will pollute the environment and approve the Keystone and Dakota pipelines and continue to lower carbon emission standards. I will I ensure I ostracize minorities and incur the wrath of Muslims, gays, transgender people, and any world leader on whim. I will incur the wrath of North Korea. I will cause a full-blown nuclear war. If you attempt to stop me, I will get rid of you anyway. I have already gotten rid of your FBI Director.
I will destroy White House records. I will do everything in my power to stop abortions, increase unsafe abortions around the world, make contraception a thing of the past, and ensure that the mothers of babies die before the babies grow up to be gassed or drowned by a naturally changing climate that is caused by Orion and non-existent Zodiac signs. You will die unless you join me and my team of white men and money-grubbing suckers. I will indoctrinate your children.
I have colluded with foreign powers and will continue to do so. I will lead you on wild goose chases and distract you by sending you more and more messages, and even tweets, and insoluble ciphers. I don’t go by one name alone. On Twitter, my name is “bigot”. I have multiple names. You can’t catch me. You can’t stop me.
I am the Zodiac.
P.S. Everyone should wear the red caps I sent you. Or I will slit your throat or bash your head in with a blunt object. It might be the special prosecutor. It might be the attorney general. It might be the national security adviser. You won’t know who it is. But you will see it on the news.