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Trump plagiarizes Gettysburg Address, delivers formal apology to nation

After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human equality and liberty.

“Four scores and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Trump intoned. He added, “Notice how I said ‘men’.”

Trump’s apology fell flat and backfired almost instantaneously. Amid jeers and general chaos outside Trump Tower, the president shouted, “I don’t understand why you sons of bitches don’t like my speech. It’s fucking patriotic.”

University of Chicago professor of political science Leo Strauss remarked, “Trump’s delivery of one of the most beloved orations in American history evinces his thoroughgoing ignorance of elementary history and disrespect for core democratic ideals as well as a low proficiency in vocabulary and logic. ‘Four score’ means 80, so the speech was made 87 years after America was founded. What year is this?”

“That’s not what ‘score’ means,” Trump replied in a recent press briefing. “‘Score’ means the football player scored, get it? And why am I even talking to you fake news reporters?”

Trump detractors commented on the inappropriateness of delivering a wartime speech during our present period of peace. They also noted that the speech does not serve well as a formal apology.

“Fuck you, bitches,” said Trump. “‘Apology’ means ‘defense for my conduct’, and I’m here to defend my so-called unbecoming conduct. We’re at war now. War is what makes our nation great. You want peace? Prepare for war. War of the people, by the people, and for the people. Do not twist the words of our great President Lincoln.”

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