Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot for 100 days, that his strategy will not get him laid.
“I’ve been pretending to study back here, you know. Last time I had a big book on constitutional law and was checking out those girls there, but they don’t seem to care about me. Nor do they care about constitutional law,” Dump said.
The hapless seducer has also fine-tuned his Tinder profile to perfection, having incorporated on his Tinder page a photograph of himself holding an improbably large electric eel and a self-description explaining that he is “a polyamorous, pansexual man ready to shock and rock you.”
“Do you think she likes me?” he asked, pointing at a ginger woman sipping pumpkin latte on the other side of the room. “She said ‘hi’ to me last time. That means she likes me, right?”
Reporters explained to Dump that he is “being a gigantic pussy and should just go up to her and talk,” but Dump objected that “she’s always busy using her laptop and talking to her friends.”
“So?” replied the reporters. “You’re being a big pussy.”
“Go fuck yourself,” Dump explained.
After regaining his composure, Dump said that he plans to “up his game” and “get out of his comfort zone” by sitting closer to his romantic interests and reading more interesting materials. “I’ll sit at that table instead,” he said, pointing at a table three feet away from his current location. “And I’ll read Moby Dick and Cosmopolitan instead.”
Dump is presently sitting at the next table and sipping an expensive foreign beer. He has changed his Tinder photo to one of himself holding a whale.