Local man farts while talking, remains confident and unfazed
While giving an inspirational speech, successful businessman Ron Gaper reportedly expelled flatus before an audience. “Every day I tried not to think about what would happen if this happened,” Gaper pondered, scratching his chin. “But I eat a lot of apples, and people were flatulent before Freud was born.”
Some perceptive members of the audience heard or smelled his gas and promptly began to heckle him. “You might wanna check for skidmarks,” ventured one crude and insensitive man.
“Get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened,” Gaper replied, smoothly shifting in his seat to allow more gas to expel from his sphincter undetected.
Sources confirmed that Mr. Gaper remained self-possessed throughout the gastrointestinal mishap. “Ron Gaper was so calm,” said Richard Brown, 42. “I mean, that was unprecedented. I have never seen a grown man fart with that kind of composure.”
Another witness added, “That man was so suave. So serious. But he was so smooth. He exuded this ineffable air of whisky and executive leadership that so few of us are blessed with. I mean, he talks and walks like nothing even happened. And I guess, if he keeps acting like it never happened, then it never happened, right?”
Detractors called Mr. Gaper out, insisting that he had misled the public. “You’re a big liar, sir,” said Frank Cassohl. “You pretend like you never farted, when in fact you have. You’re embarrassed and ashamed of yourself, and if you’re not, you ought to be.”
Mr. Gaper replied, “It wasn’t a lie. It was ineptitude with insufficient cover.”
In spite of Mr. Gaper’s critics, the vast majority of the audience agreed that Mr. Gaper handled the potentially embarrassing situation with unparalleled professionalism and exemplary efficiency.
Some witnesses to the incident also alleged that Mr. Gaper’s gas smelled of Old Fashioned cocktail and Fahrenheit cologne by Christian Dior.