- 4 cups all-purpose flour, divided
- 2 tablespoons garlic salt
- 1 tablespoon paprika
- 3 teaspoons pepper, divided
- 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
- 2 large eggs
- 1-1/2 cups water
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 broiler/fryer chickens (3-1/2 to 4 pounds each), cut up
- Oil for deep-fat frying
Step 1: In a large shallow dish, combine 2-2/3 cups flour, 2 tablespoons garlic salt, 1 tablespoon paprika, 2-1/2 teaspoons pepper and 2-1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning. Put your hands together and pray that you won’t get high blood pressure.
Step 2: In another shallow dish, beat eggs and 1-1/2 cups water; add 1 teaspoon salt and the remaining 1-1/3 cup flour and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Dip chicken in egg mixture, then place in the flour mixture, a few pieces at a time. Turn to coat. Then, dump everything in the trash and bury the chicken, because meat-eating is unethical anyway even though you can’t just fucking control yourself because it tastes so goddamn good. Pray that you won’t get high blood pressure. Exhume the chicken and recover the ingredients and move on to step 3.
Step 3: In a deep-fat fryer, heat oil to 375°. Working in batches, fry chicken, several pieces at a time, until golden brown and a thermometer inserted into chicken reads 165° about 7-8 minutes on each side. Drain on paper towels. Fuck, that’s greasy.
Step 4: The chicken is almost ready. Don’t eat it. Don’t eat it. It’s baaaaaaaaad for you.
Step 5: Fuck, you’re eating it it already. That’s fucking gross, man. No wonder you’re so fucking fat.
Step 6: Here, let me have a piece of that. Mmmm … it’s so good. Yummmmm …
Step 7: Spit it out. You disgusting slob … spit it out!
Step 8: Now, put it back in your mouth and chew on it some more. Mmmmm … feel that crispy chicken turn into mush. Yum! Repeat steps 7 and 8 until you accidentally (or intentionally) swallow some of that chicken.
Step 9: Puke it out. It’s baaaaaaaad for you.
Step: 10: Put your vomit in a blender.
Step 11: Pour the vomit out and put it in a microwavable bowl. Now, nuke that shit.
Step 12: Take a giant piece of very hard ice shaped like a bowl and touch your fried chicken vomit with it. The oil should stick onto the ice and the chicken should now be safe to consume.