THE BLOGOSPHERE—After two years of severe depression and five Xanaxes consumed at 3:30 in the morning, Ronald Dump is back. “This is my calling,” announced Dump. “I write. Period!”
Dump explains that he found his calling thanks not only to the aforementioned Xanaxes, but to the dozens of pieces of nicotine gum he masticates on per day, the vivid psychosis-induced hallucinations he occasionally experiences, and the memories of his wife’s infidelity.
“It’s time to wake up and take more prescription pills,” he declared. “They definitely do not turn you into a damn zombie.
“It’s also time to fire my shrink who accuses me of cheating on my wife with porn, because porn is one of my many muses.
“Oh, and I am definitely feeling more creative and energetic these days. You know, not as creative and energetic as I was two years ago, but about 75% of that, which is good enough
“And I found that talking helps a lot. Which is why these quotes are so long”
Dump was last seen teaching middle and high school literature, practicing insane rhythms and grooves on the piano, helping his mother take out the trash, and swearing at school while not getting fired.
“This is the good life,” he mutters to himself, “This life is good.”