TAICHUNG–The Bald Beagle is proud to announce that Colin Brown, principal of the American School in Taichung, Taiwan, has officially been named the Sexiest Man Alive.
Widely regarded by students, colleagues, and janitors as “that hot dude with the upside-down Charlie Chaplin mustache,” Brown at once exudes the confidence of an iron-fisted autocrat and betrays the tenderness of a mother hedgehog.
The Beagle press team was completely enamored of Brown’s washboard abs, bouncing pecs, and chiseled glutes, which throb visibly under his AST polo shirt every day as he walks up and down Lincoln Way.
“I fantasize about him while I sit in the school bus and copy answers to my math assignments,” said Max Lin, an outspoken LGBTQI+ activist on campus who spends 74.5% of his school hours in the principal’s office for various legitimate reasons. Lin added, “You so crazy, I think I want to have your baby.”
Brown is rivalled only by music teacher Dr. Michael Wiles, who has been named Mr. Congeniality for three consecutive years and nominated for “Sexiest Man Alive” five times.
“I’m humbled by the testosterone that this hunk oozes,” gushed Dr. Wiles. “When I compare myself to him, he makes me feel like a giggly schoolgirl.”
With today’s announcement, Brown joins the pantheon of prior male sex symbols on the Beagle, including:
2021: Tom Dodge
2020: Ethan Dombkowski
2019: Tim Michael
2018: Tambi Mutharika
2017: Godfrey Semwaiko
The Beagle‘s special “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be accessible on the Bald Beagle official website and will remain online for eternity.