Tokyo–Admitting that she has failed yet again to memorize the vocabulary words assigned in ESL lesson last week, Shiitake Miyashita, 16, burst violently into tears in your local cram school and spewed a concatenation of angry words in her native language: “私はあなたとあなたの家族全員を殺します、クズ野郎。 私のたわごとをゆっくりと食べて、私の信頼できる刀であなたの首を切ることを許可してください.” (“I will kill you and your entire fucking family, scumbag. Eat my shit slowly and allow me to decapitate you with my trusty katana.”)

The outburst was followed by a paroxysm of giggling that seemed to have wholly consumed Miyashita’s sanity. Though at first scared of her death threats, the instructor, Kristofer Dawkins, soon found consolation in his imminent death and fell into some kind of trance.

“I have a PhD in linguistics from MIT and seven years’ experience in Tibetan Buddhism,” he mumbled, adding, “I can die happy and Chomsky can attend my funeral. But not this fucking turd, Shiitake Miyashita.”

Minutes later, Miyashita defecated all over her vocabulary assignment and fed her feces to the instructor, who swallowed it with the type of equanimity that would have made Socrates blush. Miyashita then decapitated Dawkins with her trusty katana, as she had promised. She evaded the police, left negative reviews of her instructor online, and found a new instructor who she hopes will have more patience and teaching experience.

As of yesterday, Miyashita has not memorized her vocabulary words yet.

Categories: Education

Tags: Buddhism, Chomsky, Christopher Hitchens, ESL, Japanese, philosophy, Richard Dawkins, vocabulary words