Welcome to The Bald Beagle. We are proud to present to you our proud history.
In 1724, the Canadian Mormon prophet and journalistic visionary Mohammed Onan arrived in New Jersey to pursue the American dream. Shortly upon setting foot in the land of the free, he effortlessly acquired a a house, a wife, and a son, but not necessarily in that order. In 1753, he founded the New York Times, and shortly thereafter gave birth to NYT journalist Mark Twain.
In 1917, the international community finally accepted Mormonism as a legitimate religion. Surprisingly, Onan, while sipping on a seven-dollar espresso drink at an indie cafe, scoffed at this watershed moment of religious tolerance. “Mormons are so mainstream now?” he lamented with an upward inflection, rolling his eyes.
Disenchanted with what he perceived to be a church of conformists, Onan repudiated Mormonism to establish the Church of Onanists, choosing instead to become a Black Native American illegal immigrant from the Mexican communist party. In the face of rampant racism, religious discrimination, and proto-McCarthyism, Onan prevailed.
Sadly, Onan’s disavowal of the prevailing sociopolitical and religious norms precipitated the downfall of the New York Times and the death of Mark Twain. On March 25, 2017, legions of dynamite-wielding Islamophobes, mistaking Onan for a Muslim (he was sporting a bandanna), annihilated the newspaper’s headquarters and Mark Twain.
Onan’s life would never be the same. With the collapse of his journalistic empire, the Black Native American illegal immigrant from the Mexican communist party became a social leper. With nothing but a laptop and his centenarian dog—a now bald and bearded beagle who possesses the wisdom of a six-year-old kid, but the faithfulness of the most fanatical of Onanist Fundamentalists—Onan began anew.
He pet his dog’s shiny pate, and spoke thus: “I shall call my new newspaper The Bald Beagle. The Bald Beagle it is.”