Author Archives
As you no doubt already know, our investigative journalism is second to none. We have exposed political scandals, fought corruption, and set the standard in modern journalism. We are even better than Breitbart News.
If you didn't know that, we welcome you to check out our homepage and read any of the Potentially Pulitzer Prize Winning articles written by our indefatigable team of thick-skinned muckrakers. For more information, please visit www.baldbeagle.org/about
-
Girl happy and free after boyfriend breaks up and says “I want you to be happy and free”
FREETOWN, MA–Somehow managing to simultaneously snorkel and snort cocaine, Sarah Sandoval, 23, announced that she is “finally happy and free” after her boyfriend, Richard Weiner, 26, broke up with her. “I want you to be happy and free,” he told… Read More ›
-
Teacher writes mind-blowing masterpiece about student conduct to principal
Dear Principal John, I regret to inform you that there have been several incidents of student misconduct in our school yet again. At 10:15 a.m. this Tuesday, four of my students engaged in disruptive behavior for which they deserve detention…. Read More ›
-
Colin Brown named “sexiest man alive”
TAICHUNG–The Bald Beagle is proud to announce that Colin Brown, principal of the American School in Taichung, Taiwan, has officially been named the Sexiest Man Alive. Widely regarded by students, colleagues, and janitors as “that hot dude with the upside-down… Read More ›
-
Dog overdoses on massive dopamine hit after receiving 1.2m upvotes on Reddit
REDDITSPEHERE–After her owner posted a photo of her on Reddit, Brownie the Dog garnered more than 1.2 million upvotes and received a massive dopamine hit on which she overdosed. “Woof!” she reportedly explained, moments before she OD-ed. Brownie was sent… Read More ›
-
Parents protest: ‘Our children are too polite’
Nashville, TN—More than 300 parents gathered outside the University School of Nashville on Friday, protesting against the school’s tendency to train students to become too polite. Wielding a giant protest sign, parent Clarisse Gomez said, “Our children become progressively polite, and this leads to a wide variety of problems. They become mindless twats who don’t […]
-
A Little Bit of Fertilizer is Good: A Qualified Defense of Bullshit
“But bullshit is funny sometimes!” my philosophy professor once said. “No, it’s not,” I retorted. I’ve written a lot about how morally reprehensible bullshit is, but over the years, I’ve come to think that my professor is right: bullshit is… Read More ›
-
On Bullshit Assignments
In his philosophical work “On Bullshit,” Harry Frankfurt famously defined the term “bullshit” as, roughly, an indifference to the truth. He also elaborated on an important difference between lying and bullshitting. Liars attempt to deceive you by representing as false… Read More ›
-
Help – a bilingual short story
I go to uptowner store to buy a french fry and i say give me a french fry i want french fry how much?’ the yellow hair man say ‘five bucks’ i give him money he say something to his… Read More ›
-
Years Later, Ronald Dump is Back
THE BLOGOSPHERE—After two years of severe depression and five Xanaxes consumed at 3:30 in the morning, Ronald Dump is back. “This is my calling,” announced Dump. “I write. Period!” Dump explains that he found his calling thanks not only to… Read More ›
-
Is this bullshit? Yeah. No? Yeah. No? Who gives a shit. You do? Nah…Well, maybe?
I ran into Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and its summary, Summary of the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck recently. I’m not done with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck yet,… Read More ›
The Bald Beagle 