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One eggplant slowly recovers from discoloration, begins to talk
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—One of the two eggplants that unexpectedly took on a humanoid shape last Friday is slowly regaining its normal hue. In what scientists think is the most curious scientific anomaly of the millennium, two eggplants, named “Vanessa” and “Angel” by… Read More ›
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Students take advantage of classmate by violating his personal space
EVANSTON, IL—Overly enthusiastic students at a university in Evanston repeatedly violated their new classmate’s personal space on Monday. Jesse, 25, smiled wryly as students lined up left and right, eager to touch him. “I don’t know why the fuck they… Read More ›
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Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder
WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping everyone for two months straight. Seeking romance and adventure,… Read More ›
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Tycoon tells children to finish their cigars, says ‘there are children in Africa who cannot afford smokes’
MILTON, MA—Railroad tycoon Cornelius Tunt visited the Milton Academy this Thursday to urge young students to finish their cigars. Tunt explained to all 305 students in the lower school (Kindergarten through Grade 8) that there are more than 200 million… Read More ›
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Koala discovers LSD, finds meaning of life
MELBOURNE—A koala suffering from heat stroke fell off a eucalyptus tree and climbed into a zoological laboratory in which he later discovered and ingested Lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. Upon ingesting LSD, the koala, named Albert, exited the laboratory and… Read More ›
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Renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation
NEW YORK—A motley crew of musicians and doctors confirmed that world-renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation, a disorder that afflicts more than 3.5 million pianists worldwide. The pianist is the recipient of numerous accolades and has performed for… Read More ›
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Uninvited guests trade heroin for hamburgers in What Country, CA, carry submachine guns
WHAT COUNTRY, CA—Park Rangers were alerted to two men who traded heroin for hamburgers at a picnic in What Country, California on Saturday afternoon. The Rangers notified What Country Police, who promptly detained a hamburger vendor for questioning. Witnesses reported that the drug… Read More ›
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Chimchenko keeps mouth shut during brutal interrogation, escapes from CIA black site
WARSAW—In a restricted military area in the territory village of Stare Kiejkuty, the CIA and the Polish national intelligence agency attempted to extract information by means of methods widely condemned as torture from Polish-born Karolina Chimchenko, 26, who defected to Chechnya… Read More ›
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‘Duchamp urinals’ installed in pubic school that aims to defy logic
DETROIT—Ten “Duchamp urinals” have been installed in Detroit Pubic School as part of the city’s ongoing effort to increase appreciation for the arts. The toilets are inspired by a controversial piece named Fountain. Fountain is a porcelain urinal that gained… Read More ›
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Eggplants turn into smiling humanoids possibly unfit for human consumption
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—Two seemingly normal eggplants have become so bloated and deformed that they resemble human beings. While scientists call the transformation an “alarming scientific anomaly,” locals call it a “miraculous godsend,” and have given the eggplants honorary titles. Miaoli elementary student… Read More ›
