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Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder
WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping everyone for two months straight. Seeking romance and adventure,… Read More ›
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Tycoon tells children to finish their cigars, says ‘there are children in Africa who cannot afford smokes’
MILTON, MA—Railroad tycoon Cornelius Tunt visited the Milton Academy this Thursday to urge young students to finish their cigars. Tunt explained to all 305 students in the lower school (Kindergarten through Grade 8) that there are more than 200 million… Read More ›
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Koala discovers LSD, finds meaning of life
MELBOURNE—A koala suffering from heat stroke fell off a eucalyptus tree and climbed into a zoological laboratory in which he later discovered and ingested Lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. Upon ingesting LSD, the koala, named Albert, exited the laboratory and… Read More ›
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Renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation
NEW YORK—A motley crew of musicians and doctors confirmed that world-renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation, a disorder that afflicts more than 3.5 million pianists worldwide. The pianist is the recipient of numerous accolades and has performed for… Read More ›
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Uninvited guests trade heroin for hamburgers in What Country, CA, carry submachine guns
WHAT COUNTRY, CA—Park Rangers were alerted to two men who traded heroin for hamburgers at a picnic in What Country, California on Saturday afternoon. The Rangers notified What Country Police, who promptly detained a hamburger vendor for questioning. Witnesses reported that the drug… Read More ›
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Chimchenko keeps mouth shut during brutal interrogation, escapes from CIA black site
WARSAW—In a restricted military area in the territory village of Stare Kiejkuty, the CIA and the Polish national intelligence agency attempted to extract information by means of methods widely condemned as torture from Polish-born Karolina Chimchenko, 26, who defected to Chechnya… Read More ›
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‘Duchamp urinals’ installed in pubic school that aims to defy logic
DETROIT—Ten “Duchamp urinals” have been installed in Detroit Pubic School as part of the city’s ongoing effort to increase appreciation for the arts. The toilets are inspired by a controversial piece named Fountain. Fountain is a porcelain urinal that gained… Read More ›
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Eggplants turn into smiling humanoids possibly unfit for human consumption
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—Two seemingly normal eggplants have become so bloated and deformed that they resemble human beings. While scientists call the transformation an “alarming scientific anomaly,” locals call it a “miraculous godsend,” and have given the eggplants honorary titles. Miaoli elementary student… Read More ›
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Smart kid unfairly labelled as pathetic loser at Stanford because of boastful mother
BOWLING GREEN, KY—Lawrence Abraham, a straight-A student and war hero at the Bowling Green State University in Kentucky (BGSU), was labelled “useless” and “pathetic” upon transferring to Stanford. The subject of numerous documentaries, Abraham, 20, learned to read Latin at… Read More ›
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‘This song is unplayable’: Treble clef drawn wrong by ignorant photographer
HOUSTON—A Cantonese girl was forced by her photographer to play an unplayable melody on Tuesday morning. Song Sou Sik, 10, was minding her own business in class when a Caucasian man barged in with a cheap violin. “He just came… Read More ›
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