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‘This song is unplayable’: Treble clef drawn wrong by ignorant photographer
HOUSTON—A Cantonese girl was forced by her photographer to play an unplayable melody on Tuesday morning. Song Sou Sik, 10, was minding her own business in class when a Caucasian man barged in with a cheap violin. “He just came… Read More ›
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‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’: This is not fake news
“It is the nature of satire that not everyone gets it.” ― United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, in Farah v. Esquire Magazine (2013) “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death… Read More ›
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Belligerent Krav Maga master refuses to stop grabbing groins
JERUSALEM—In spite of his students’ complaints, Krav Maga master Eli Gould refused to stop grabbing his students’ groins. Gould, 35, is also a Mossad agent who allegedly killed Hamas operative Mazen Fuqaha in March 2017. In 1976, the Israeli Defense… Read More ›
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‘Yes Man’ clashes with Knights Who Say ‘Ni’, says ‘no’ to shrubbery donation
COLUMBUS, OH—The Knights Who Say “Ni” were notified by hikers of a suspicious man in Hocking Hills yesterday. At 5:00 p.m., the Knights investigated the area, where they encountered a shirtless man holding a sign that bore the word “YES”… Read More ›
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Immaculate conception: male Christians give birth to stellar soccer team
TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—On Sunday, two male soccer coaches at the Morrison Academy gave birth to a stellar soccer team consisting of 19 male teenagers. No sooner had coaches Abraham Sbardolini, 36, and Sera Sera, 48—both of whom were frustrated by what… Read More ›
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Law professor resolves to stare at blank wall until retirement
NASHVILLE—Vanderbilt University law professor Carol Swain resolves to stare at a blank wall until she retires. In an attempt to come up with a good idea for her upcoming screenplay for the Netflix original, How to Get Away with Trolling, she… Read More ›
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Zen Buddhists eat traditional Japanese donuts during meditation
EIHEIJI, JAPAN—Zen Buddhist Dōgen Zenji, 38, revealed an esoteric trick to successful meditation known as dōnatsu no michi, the practice of masticating a piece of donut until one becomes united with the cosmos. The history of the donut is disputed. Some… Read More ›
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Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses
COLUMBUS, OH—A group of home-schooled fourth graders have established a new interdisciplinary peer-reviewed journal entitled Midwest Journal of the Metaphysics of Art, stunning professors and graduate students from disciplines ranging from the arts to biomedical engineering. “The problem with postmodern art is that… Read More ›
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Be careful what you listen to: ‘Canon in D’ causes cancer
BALTIMORE—A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that people who listen to bad music are three times as likely as people with good musical tastes to develop certain types of cancer. Though bad music is overwhelmingly found… Read More ›
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Parents protest: ‘Our children are too polite’
NASHVILLE—More than 300 parents gathered outside the University School of Nashville on Friday, protesting against the school’s tendency to train students to become too polite. Wielding a giant protest sign, parent Clarisse Gomez said, “Our children become progressively polite, and… Read More ›
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