Author Archives
As you no doubt already know, our investigative journalism is second to none. We have exposed political scandals, fought corruption, and set the standard in modern journalism. We are even better than Breitbart News.
If you didn't know that, we welcome you to check out our homepage and read any of the Potentially Pulitzer Prize Winning articles written by our indefatigable team of thick-skinned muckrakers. For more information, please visit www.baldbeagle.org/about
-
Korean elderly happy with quality cannabis
Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one… Read More ›
-
Meting out corporal punishment on parents facilitates children’s growth
Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and… Read More ›
-
Proud student earns bachelor’s degree in copy and paste, has bright future
After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot… Read More ›
-
Twelve-year-old film critic says ‘ew’ to kissing scene
Saying that he would rather witness a live decapitation than watch two people kiss on screen, twelve-year-old film critic Dustin Huffman lambasted the film industry with an interminable slew of “ew”s. “I watched Ready Player One and the book was… Read More ›
-
Review of Hannibal’s Restaurant
Dog-tired from work, my wife and I decided to pamper ourselves at the fancy-looking Hannibal’s Restaurant, the only place in the world where you can legally consume human flesh. Fiasco. We were made to wait half an hour before our… Read More ›
-
Student too cool to admit she gives a shit
Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. “Girl, that thing about Frege’s sinn und bedeutung was fucking dope,” she allegedly gushed in a secret… Read More ›
-
Wife makes historic first visit to husband’s ten-year-old blog
BLOGOSPHERE—Lacking the joie de vivre to take up meaningful hobbies like sewing and spelunking, a woman visited her husband’s blog ten years after its inception. “I had no idea that Ronald has been writing about me,” Sheryl Sans-Blurb, 47, said after… Read More ›
-
Suicidal blogger ‘likes’ everyone’s blog, injures hand and goes missing
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a last-ditch effort to achieve fame and fortune, subsequently developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. “I spent… Read More ›
-
Gay man declares he is confident enough about his homosexuality to dress as if he were straight
HOLLYWOOD—Saying that he doesn’t care what other people say about him, a gay man bravely donned a quintessentially heterosexual black blazer and button-down shirt Friday morning. “I am wearing a heterosexual suit and serving straight up daddy realness,” declared LeBar…. Read More ›
-
Thai local likes tourist’s authentic elephant pants and love for Asian culture
Bangkok—After selling green curry and driving a tuk tuk for fifteen years, Thai local Terdsak Pichaironnarongsongkram professed his admiration for tourist Katie Swanson’s authentically Thai elephant pants. “It really breaks up the monotony to see a reasonably attractive Caucasian woman for… Read More ›
The Bald Beagle 