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Child suspicious of storks calls bullshit, turns into idiot
When seven-year-old Pubert Babbitt Jr. asked his parents where babies come from, his parents told him about the Stork: “The Stork is a big bird that drops babies into the house,” said Pubert Sr. Thinking that his parents must either… Read More ›
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Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid
Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot… Read More ›
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Piano teacher tries hard not to be a dick
NEW YORK—After doing some soul searching, a piano teacher resolves to be less of a dick. “There’s a fine line between being firm and being a total dick,” says Richard Foster, 32. “I’m trying harder not to be a dick… Read More ›
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Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read
EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read. Jacques Johnson, 63, said, “I have everything here. Like, everything. I’ve got Kant, Locke, Leibniz, Plato, Aristotle,… Read More ›
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Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl
Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald Trump while the two leaders grooved to the Danish-Norwegian dance pop group Aqua’s immortal hit,… Read More ›
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Cunning linguist enters banged-up Volvo
EUGENE, OR—Saying that he felt too cold to be out in the snow, a cunning linguist gained entrance into a woman’s Volvo. “I was just so tired from drawing Venn Diaphragms of eggcorns all day that I decided I had… Read More ›
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Bears don’t understand why people say ‘awww’
NATURE—A bear and her cub fail to comprehend why people seem to say “awww” to them all the time. “Yesterday, I was walking around on my paws just lookin’ for salmon, you know,” said Momma Bear. “Then I came face… Read More ›
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Surgeon reluctant to operate on conjoined twins
BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger Cavendish. The Cavendish family is now threatening the doctor with legal action in case he does not honor… Read More ›
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Las Vegas shooter had salad before rampage
LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500. “He said he didn’t want croutons and that he doesn’t like Italian and would rather have room temperature water than iced… Read More ›
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Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s… Read More ›
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