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Woman gives tips on how to subtly show off book in public
NEW YORK—Eager to take the world by storm, a young graduate of a prestigious liberal arts college carries a difficult book in public every day, painstakingly ensuring that the book cover is somewhat visible to passersby at all times. 21-year-old… Read More ›
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Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now
LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire. Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby… Read More ›
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Trump plagiarizes Gettysburg Address, delivers formal apology to nation
After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human… Read More ›
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Faithful man enraged that wife is cheating on taxes
NASHVILLE, TN—Suspecting that something funny is going on with his wife, an Internal Revenue Service agent purposefully came home early to catch his wife in the act. “Motherfucker, I knew you were cheating on your taxes,” he yelled. Salvatore Goodman,… Read More ›
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Surgeon General warns young women pouring antifreeze on tampons
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid of choice among those who use tampons for the past few decades. The nation’s top gynecologist,… Read More ›
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Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks. Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card,… Read More ›
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Hardworking student proud she got into Harvard shirt
BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel Fang, 17. “But now I lose weight and wear S. Harvard good fit for me.” Sources confirmed on… Read More ›
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David Lynch keeps Twin Peaks fans in suspense
LOS ANGELES—To keep Twin Peaks audiences in suspense, David Lynch incorporated a loading screen in Season 3, Episode 8 of the cult TV series. “I’m bucking the conventional cliffhanger and using this cinematographic device I invented at the dawn of… Read More ›
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Fifth grade girls plan to visit Edward Snowden
MOSCOW—CIA agents R, like, so focused on Eddy Snowy’s bubble-licious handwriting 4 like no reason, lolz. Wut duz the CIA want? I luv Eddy he is like, so cute and smart. Last nite me and my BFF had the bestest… Read More ›
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IKEA offers high-quality, unassembled pork chops
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s restaurants. “People used to say everything here’s cardboard,” said IKEA CEO Peter Agnefjäll. “But we’ve… Read More ›
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