Category: Art

Artistically talented kid squirts ketchup and mustard with impunity, continues to create masterpieces

KANSAS CITY—”Look,” said 10-year-old Marina as she squirted ketchup on the floor. “Jackson Pollock.”

But Marina is no Jackson Pollock. In fact, she is better than Pollock. Whereas Pollock’s 1948 masterpiece, “No. 5”, reportedly was sold for 165.4 million dollars in 2006, Tanya’s “No. 500” is estimated to be worth 173 million dollars. The nearly priceless work currently hangs in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The rest of her works are on display at The Guggenheim.

Marina is a straight-A student and one of five legendary artists at Faxon Elementary School, a bastion of artistic rebels and intellectual iconoclasts. Like her colleagues, she can do whatever she pleases. Last year, she threw a baseball into the principal’s office on purpose so that she would be sent to detention, during which she crawled onto a ceiling light fixture and refused to come down for three days.

Dozens of parents and teachers cheered and clapped as she finally descended, albeit in a semi-starved state. Her father, her biggest fan, exclaimed as she hit the floor, “Now that’s what I call performance art!”

Jackson Pollock No. 5

“Theatre is fake … The knife is not real, the blood is not real, and the emotions are not real. Performance is just the opposite: the knife is real, the blood is real, and the emotions are real,” Marina said to a crowd of nodding heads. “And that’s how I am inspired to do my next work. Hot dogs are fake. Hamburgers are fake. But when I squirt ketchup and mustard on the floor like this—look! Look! Look!—that’s real.”

“As parents, we have a responsibility to ensure that our children flourish,” said Marina’s father, Peter Depardieu. “You don’t wanna try to make an oak tree grow like a willow, or have a cactus grow like a euphorb. Likewise, our children have a tendency to grow in their own ways, and we must encourage that lest we get another generation of boring, average Americans.”

Unfortunately, not everyone at the school sympathizes with Mr. Depardieu. Some of Marina’s less talented peers have been banned by the school from making art because they just “make a mess,” as some teachers put it. “I tried to tell teachers to allow my friends to do whatever they want as well,” she said. “But my friends get B’s and C’s, so they’ll just get in trouble if they do that.”

Some of those less-than-stellar students are already considered juvenile delinquents who have no hope in life. One was sent to a mental institution for squirting relish on walls.

On a more positive note, Marina announced that her next work will involve charcoal, walnut oil, and deodorized dog pee.

‘Duchamp urinals’ installed in pubic school that aims to defy logic

DETROIT—Ten “Duchamp urinals” have been installed in Detroit Pubic School as part of the city’s ongoing effort to increase appreciation for the arts. The toilets are inspired by a controversial piece named Fountain.

Fountain is a porcelain urinal that gained notoriety when the artist Marcel Duchamp signed the name “R. Mutt” on it, calling it—in his attempt to challenge conventional conceptions of art—art. The artist was a prominent member of Dadaism, an early twentieth-century, European avant-garde movement that embraced nonsense, irrationality, and anti-bourgeois sentiment in place of logic, reason, aestheticism, and capitalism.

A spokesperson from the Detroit Pubic School said on Thursday, “We are proud to own these functional replicas of Duchamp’s artwork. They are welcome additions to our fantastic pubic education.” Principal James S. Butt called the purchase of the toilets “another victorious battle in our war against reason and rationality.” He added, “We are a school that is way ahead of our times, and we know what the world will become. In the world of tomorrow, there will be no logic. Nonsense will be logic. And logic will be an antiquated concept with which we will have no use.”


Fourth graders stun scholars with incisive Rothko analyses

COLUMBUS, OH—A group of home-schooled fourth graders have established a new interdisciplinary peer-reviewed journal entitled Midwest Journal of the Metaphysics of Art, stunning  professors and graduate students from disciplines ranging from the arts to biomedical engineering. “The problem with postmodern art is that much of it, while visually pleasing, is based on little to no understanding of basic propositional logic, let alone the rigorous philosophical methods that metaphysicians of art must employ,” said 10-year-old Tom Bruise, who received an honorary doctoral degree from The Ohio State University in 2004.

At a Rothko convention in Dayton, 10-year-old postmodernist Dustin Huffman disagreed, citing bits and pieces of Derrida and Buddhist philosophy. “A veritable comprehension of the dualism that is both inherent and negatively response-dependent within the realm of tauroscatological sufficiency cannot be attained by means of any conventional logical stratagem,” he quipped.

What followed Huffman’s incisive comment was a spirited intellectual debate among the top scholars in the field, with some even drawing abstruse evidence from chaos theory to bolster their points.

Under the supervision of their parents, the fourth graders continue to break new ground. Scores of scholars from across the nation will attend the fourth graders’ next Rothko convention in April.