TAICHUNG–Four members of the infamous Taiwanese motorcycle gang Hell’s Angles have been arrested on charges of speeding and other less serious misdemeanors such as drug trafficking, prostitution, and extortion.
The Angles, also known as the 90-Degree Hot Rods, started out as no more than a couple of little punks stealing cars, murdering prostitutes, and attempting to mimic the lives of characters in the Grand Theft Auto video games, but the unscrupulous hoodlums soon realized they had a knack for the criminal way of life and thus began flagrantly motorcycle racing in the streets of Taiwan and occasionally riding faster than 30 kilometers per hour, endangering the lives of us law-abiding citizens.
“That’s it. I’ve peeled off over two million pieces of tape. I refuse to peel off one more f****ng piece!”
Last words of Chad Nelson, a custodian who was recently fired from OSU for refusing to peel tape off the Ms on campus parking meters. Reminiscent of 2008, when Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) of the Beatles announced his refusal to sign autographs or read fan mail, Nelson’s announcement came as a shock to his supervisors.
“I know that Nelson, along with many other OSU custodians has worked to peel pieces and pieces of tape from Ms on campus. But now the job is almost finished and we just need to get a few more peeled. At OSU, we all work together. If you can’t work with the team, there’s no place for you on our distinguished janitorial staff,” was the response of Nelson’s supervisor. When further questioned, Nelson responded as follows:
“Are you f*()*(ing kidding me? I worked for days climbing rickety ladders to reach Ms all over campus. I could have been severely injured or killed, falling to bare concrete. Just to uncover a bunch of Ms that good Michigan hating, Buckeye loving students risked their necks to tape over.”
“Alright. It’s not that I really think this is about being a true Buckeye or not. I’m just fucking tired of peeling tape. I know those last pieces on the parking meters are at ground level and easy to reach. I just don’t want to peel anymore. Can’t you understand me?
And the parking meters should technically be considered the business of the road and those who maintain it, the meter readers. And even if I go ahead and peel the tape off the parking meters, then there may be more tape on street signs or businesses next door or next block. Where do you draw the line? The university shouldn’t have to cover the cost of tape removal from Ms all over the city? But if you give an inch, you know…” and so Nelson trailed off and went to the trailer to fry up some eggs and spark a doobie. But the story was pretty official sounding until about now. And good night.
Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire life. So if it works for children, it ought to work for parents. And then they’ll be better parents and turn their kids into better kids.”
Dr. Gupta adds that it doesn’t matter how the parents are spanked as long as they sustain moderate-to-severe injury. “Fuck them; who gives a shit about those fuckers? When I see an unruly kid who has respect for neither education nor humanity, I just want to strangle their parents. Or hack them into little pieces. Or should I drown them in their own vomit? Hmm … I can’t decide.”
Parent Robert Whoresly concurs with Dr. Gupta: “I used to think that I was a good father, that all I needed to do was to hand my kids over to a good private school teacher or tutor and then bam! Data and civility will be uploaded into that little son of a bitch’s little brain. But after getting my teeth kicked out by a Catholic nun yesterday, I now know that I haven’t been doing jack shit to turn him into a better person, that little son of a bitch.”
After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot to save my work, and I thought I’d never make it. But here I am with my snazzy degree, and my parents must be so proud. I love you, Mom and Dad!”
According to Dr. Dave Yew, who works at an accredited university somewhere in Asia, the field of copying and pasting has grown exponentially in the past two decades, and its importance in the ever-changing world that we live in cannot be disputed. “The advent of the laptop has afforded all of us beautiful opportunities to help the world. Back then, we had typewriters. But now, with our cutting-edge technology, we can really help to disseminate important information across the globe by putting into practice the binary computational theory of C.T.R.L.C. and C.T.R.L.V. as well as some abstruse principles of L.O.L. language.”
A beaming Christina adds that “Dr. Yew is the best teacher ever. Seriously, he really cares about teaching. First, whatever he says is right. Second, we can never be smarter than him. And he lets us know that. Isn’t he just brilliant?”
By all accounts, Christina has a long and exciting life ahead of her. Armed with expert knowledge of Microsoft Word and PowerPoint, Christina plans to take the world by storm by any means necessary.
Dr. Yew, who has two PhDs in Copy and Paste, will be teaching a course on the History of Western Art and another on Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy. Ever indefatigable and brimming with scholarship, he does not plan to retire any time soon.
Saying that he would rather witness a live decapitation than watch two people kiss on screen, twelve-year-old film critic Dustin Huffman lambasted the film industry with an interminable slew of “ew”s.
“I watched Ready Player One and the book was definitely better than the movie, because there were too many kissing scenes in the movie,” he explained. “Ewwwwww.”
In the past few months, Dustin has garnered the attention and respect of scores of cinemaphiles, thus beginning to dominate other venerated critics on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert. Many accomplished film directors have begun to pay attention to Dustin’s insightful complaints, conceding that any movie that depicts any level of sexual contact between consenting adults is too “ewwwww.”
“I sincerely regret having that beautiful Sicilian woman take her clothes off and kiss Michael Corleone in The Godfather,” lamented Francis Ford Coppola. “It’s been more than forty years since I made that movie, and now all I can think of is ewwwwwwwwww. The film is utterly without redeeming social value because the ew-factor is too high. The Godfather III is even worse because there’s even more kissing, but at least they’re cousins.”
Ironically, however, Dustin’s parent’s found last Monday a massive amount of pornography on Dustin’s computer. “I never thought I’d have to install a firewall or whatever you call that,” said Ariana Huffman, 43. “He was always saying ‘ew’ to everything ranging from broccoli to bestiality, so I thought he’d be naturally repelled by our evolutionary instincts and be voluntarily celibate.”
Reporters attempted to interview Dustin, who declined to comment and explained that he had more important things to do than to deal with our silly questions. He was last seen playing with a fidget toy while blowing someone’s brains out in virtual reality.
Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. “Girl, that thing about Frege’s sinn und bedeutung was fucking dope,” she allegedly gushed in a secret phone conversation. “And that motherfucking connection between Kantian aesthetics and Romantic poetics as you can fucking see in Caspar David Friederich’s Two Men Contemplating the Motherfucking Moon made me question the meaning of life.”
Though Ms. Degenerate later retracted her statement and promptly criticized the professor for being a “lame-ass turd,” other students in class were quite ebullient. When asked a question about ancient philosophy, Taylor Schmidt, 20, ventured, “Play dough? Is that Soccer Tease’s student? Or Buddha or someone?” Likewise, classmate Judson Beaver, 19, participated vigorously in classroom discussions. “Yo, I feel that, I’m not sure about parties, but whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”
In stark contrast to her peers, Ms. Degenerate remained visibly bored throughout the entire lecture and contrived to appear as illiterate as a college student can be. “Fuck this,” she explained in class.
Ms. Degenerate reportedly received a C+ for lack of participation. All of her classmates received A’s.
Saying he wants to prepare students for the job market, Chancellor Elvis Dumbefore of Hogwash College proudly announced the installation of lavatories where students can puke out information and flush away millennia’s worth of wisdom down the toilet.
“At Hogwash, we will make higher education relevant again. Students can now gain real world experience and be ready to enter the workforce by the time they graduate. If they find that Plato or Kant take too much of their time and energy, they can now visit our new restrooms, known as Knowledge Vomitiriums, to relieve themselves, so that they have time to kiss their employers’ asses.”
Despite its name, the “Knowledge Vomitorium” is equipped not only with (1) a sink into which students can regurgitate information that they learned though never deeply pondered, but also (2) high-power commodes with which they can dispose of scholarly materials they are too lazy to digest as well as (3) buckets into which students may drop bullshit, which will then be reused as fertilizer to facilitate the flourishing of young freshmen.
“We are a green campus,” Dumbefore explained. “We recycle everything, especially bullshit, because these days there’s just too much bullshit for us to dump into the landfill in good conscience.”
Despite Dumbefore’s optimism, a few professors and students have raised eyebrows.
“Once in a while, we encounter a kernel of undigested truth that messes with the plumbing in the Knowledge Vomitoriums, but those pesky little things are few and far between, so we’re not very concerned about those,” says Professor of Communication Ben Zodiazepine.
A minority of students take it even further, arguing that the Knowledge Vomitoriums only spell trouble for the future. On their view, the proper way of dealing with those vexing kernels of truth is to extract them from the pipes, no matter how hard it may be to do so, so that we can more easily identify, analyze, and digest them.
“We have to do it,” says math prodigy Paul Liedtke, 16. “Otherwise, we’ll be clogging up the toilets so bad one day that we’ll literally be drowning in a great flood of data and bullshit.”
Student Scott F. Bakin, 23, lamented:
“Shit, dude. Last night, I had to take this huge shit. And when I shat, dude, all this shit just started overflowing. Fucking disgusting, dude. Those fucking kernels of truth are hard as fuck to destroy. And they make life hard, trying to find them stuck infinitely deep in the plumbing where we’ll never know. Drano doesn’t help. Worse, they might be in some dark, godless recess tucked profoundly in some elderly professor’s asshole. We gotta deal with that shit, man. That’s sort of gross. I guess that’s why so many people are ignoring the problem.”
The chancellor agreed to address concerns about plumbing. “Everything will be fine,” he tweeted. “There are no kernels of truth. Truth is a relative concept. That’s why it won’t pose a problem for the toilets. Because there are NO KERNALS.”
“He’s a kernel denier,” said Christopher Bitchins, 20. “He’s scientifically illiterate. And maybe just illiterate.”
“That’s a euphemism, ‘kernel denier’ is. There’s a name for people who deny the truth,” said Bakin. “We call them liars.”