Category Archives: Education

Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read

EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read. Jacques Johnson, 63, said, “I have everything here. Like, everything. I’ve got Kant, Locke, Leibniz, Plato, Aristotle, the Presocratics, Russell, Kripke, Anscombe, Searle, Ryle, Ayer, Grice, Frege, and dozens of people who are still alive like Michael

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A sophomoric introduction to bullshit

In college, my adviser introduced me to elementary logic and opened my eyes to the beauty of academic philosophy, at once dispelling popular misconceptions of philosophy as mere intellectual masturbation and adumbrating the hows and whys of the bullshitty things that give philosophy a bad name. It’s been many years since I wrote my last paper on bullshit, and my

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Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes

SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks. Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card, credit card, restaurant discount card, and source of self-esteem, Shelby Li, 21, broke down and promptly fell into clinical depression.

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Sick student dismembers another barbie

LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll. School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque

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Graduate student aspires to clean microwave oven for asshole colleagues

COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside. 24-year-old Rita Lin graduated from the prestigious Chinese University of Hong Kong with a degree in philosophy and the dream of becoming a well-read janitor in the land of the free. “Cantonese food is less greasy than

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