Saying he wants to prepare students for the job market, Chancellor Elvis Dumbefore of Hogwash College proudly announced the installation of lavatories where students can puke out information and flush away millennia’s worth of wisdom down the toilet. “At Hogwash,… Read More ›
Education
Child suspicious of storks calls bullshit, turns into idiot
When seven-year-old Pubert Babbitt Jr. asked his parents where babies come from, his parents told him about the Stork: “The Stork is a big bird that drops babies into the house,” said Pubert Sr. Thinking that his parents must either… Read More ›
Piano teacher tries hard not to be a dick
NEW YORK—After doing some soul searching, a piano teacher resolves to be less of a dick. “There’s a fine line between being firm and being a total dick,” says Richard Foster, 32. “I’m trying harder not to be a dick… Read More ›
Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read
EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read. Jacques Johnson, 63, said, “I have everything here. Like, everything. I’ve got Kant, Locke, Leibniz, Plato, Aristotle,… Read More ›
Woman gives tips on how to subtly show off book in public
NEW YORK—Eager to take the world by storm, a young graduate of a prestigious liberal arts college carries a difficult book in public every day, painstakingly ensuring that the book cover is somewhat visible to passersby at all times. 21-year-old… Read More ›
Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks. Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card,… Read More ›
Hardworking student proud she got into Harvard shirt
BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel Fang, 17. “But now I lose weight and wear S. Harvard good fit for me.” Sources confirmed on… Read More ›
Sick student dismembers another barbie
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll. School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the… Read More ›
Graduate student aspires to clean microwave oven for asshole colleagues
COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside. 24-year-old Rita Lin graduated from the prestigious Chinese University of Hong Kong with a degree in… Read More ›
Chatty woman can’t stop talking about how boyfriend complains about how she talks too much
CHATTANOOGA, TN—An overly talkative woman talked nonstop about how her boyfriend complains about her talking too much. Janelle Adams, 32, said, “He’s always, like, complaining about how I talk too much, and I know that I might like to, you… Read More ›