David Lynch keeps Twin Peaks fans in suspense
LOS ANGELES—To keep Twin Peaks audiences in suspense, David Lynch incorporated a loading screen in Season 3, Episode 8 of the cult TV series. “I’m bucking the [...]
Entertainment
Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container
ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane [...]
Stupid man who can’t play chess resorts to empty threats
WASHINGTON—Unable to win a chess game against me, a frustrated man is using empty threats and other juvenile methods of intimidation in hopes of overpowering me. Francisco [...]
Impoverished men to sell lush eyebrows for survival
ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company [...]
Job applicant turns out to be fat, hairy pervert
COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert. “We thought he [...]
Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings
COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t [...]
Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder
WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping [...]
Uninvited guests trade heroin for hamburgers in What Country, CA, carry submachine guns
WHAT COUNTRY, CA—Park Rangers were alerted to two men who traded heroin for hamburgers at a picnic in What Country, California on Saturday afternoon. The Rangers notified [...]
