Entertainment

Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container

June 22, 2017 // 0 Comments

ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane [...]

Stupid man who can’t play chess resorts to empty threats

June 21, 2017 // 0 Comments

WASHINGTON—Unable to win a chess game against me, a frustrated man is using empty threats and other juvenile methods of intimidation in hopes of overpowering me. Francisco [...]

Impoverished men to sell lush eyebrows for survival

May 7, 2017 // 0 Comments

ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company [...]

Job applicant turns out to be fat, hairy pervert

May 4, 2017 // 0 Comments

COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert. “We thought he [...]

Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings

May 4, 2017 // 0 Comments

COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t [...]

Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder

April 4, 2017 // 0 Comments

WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping [...]

Uninvited guests trade heroin for hamburgers in What Country, CA, carry submachine guns

April 1, 2017 // 0 Comments

WHAT COUNTRY, CA—Park Rangers were alerted to two men who traded heroin for hamburgers at a picnic in What Country, California on Saturday afternoon. The Rangers notified [...]