Category: Lifestyle

Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts

Calling each other “irrational” and “annoying,” potato farmer Tom Bruise and his wife Lucy quickly resolved all marital conflicts by not talking to each other. “It totally works,” said Bruise. “Ever since we resolved to shut our respective traps, I’ve been angrily washing the dishes while she texts her friends, and we get along just fine.”

The couple reported increased sleep quality since they stopped talking to each other. During bedtime, they would face opposite directions with their eyes wide open in the dark. “The empty gap between us on the mattress keeps growing, and I keep feeling that I might fall off the bed,” the husband said, elaborating on his marital life. “And the sex is awesome. I jerk off and eat Doritos all day. Awesome.”

Lucy explained to reporters, “My husband doesn’t want to talk, and that’s fine. He’s just being himself. As his wife, I support him and his being himself and everything he does. He can be his own sad little bitch self who fap fap faps away ’til the second coming.”

Tom and Lucy indicate that, since remaining silent, the resentment that has festered in their marriage for the past five years has all but dissipated. “I love her,” said Tom. “I love him,” said Lucy, rolling her eyes. “I’m so grateful we’ve decided to shut the fuck up.”

Sexy math man sought by victory sign-holding yacht owners

Though he has had no luck making Tinder matches with girls who don’t hold up victory signs, lonely high school math teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, has attracted the attention of affluent yacht owners who hold up victory signs for no good reason.

“This is so frustrating,” Wang laments. “No matter where I go, I am beleaguered by individuals who arbitrarily brandish victory signs. Here in Sydney, I was lured onto the yacht of a world-renowned tenor who likes to make victory signs in the Sydney Opera House. He does have Don Perignon, though.”

Wang has updated his Tinder profile picture and changed his self-description to one that more aptly captures his unexampled genius. It states:

Cyberneticists agree that compact algorithms are an interesting new topic in the field of e-voting technology, and cyberneticists concur. Similarly, this is a direct result of the deployment of XML. Nevertheless, a private grand challenge in electrical engineering is the emulation of Bayesian modalities. Therefore, modular archetypes and Moore’s Law are based entirely on the assumption that forward-error correction and redundancy are not in conflict with the simulation of extreme programming.

So far, Wang’s profile has not made much of a difference to his dating life.

“I get a lot of hot girls. But I want a real woman. Right now, I’m still getting a lot of victory sign girls and people making duck faces under the Eiffel Tower,” said Wang, adding, “What decadent times we live in.”

This article is a continuation of Sexy Math Man Tired of Girls who Hold Victory Signs.

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Most of the girls in this photo are holding victory signs.
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Suk-Leng Wang’s new Tinder profile picture

 

 

Sexy math man tired of girls who hold victory signs

Saying that he is tired of Asian girls who hold up victory signs for no reason, lonely high school teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, embarks on a futile mission to find suitable women online.

“It is a sad fact that society tolerates Asian girls who flaunt the admittedly repulsive ‘victory gesture’ that has for decades embodied Watergate,” laments Wang. “I deserve better females.”

Wang has created on the popular dating app Tinder a mouthwatering profile consisting of a sensual, shirtless photograph of himself supplemented by a mesmerizing self-description that states,

When there is a classical (intuitionistic) proof of ψ from Δ we say that ψ is classically (intuitionistically) deducible from Δ . Obviously if a conclusion is intuitionistically deducible from certain premises then it is classically deducible from them, since every intuitionistic proof counts as a classical proof according to our definition.

Much to Wang’s chagrin, and despite his unparalleled brilliance and downright sexiness, the only matches Wang has made in the past 12 weeks are with girls who hold up victory signs for no apparent reason.

“I know this overweight gentleman named Richard Wiener who barely graduated from a tier-three university and says stuff like ‘I have a black belt in karate’, and he gets all the girls,” he muses. “And I’m pretty sure he’s a pedophile.”

Ever sanguine and ebullient, the vigorous Wang notes to all non-victory-sign-holding females that he is available, mathematically, emotionally, romantically, and otherwise.

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Suk-Leng Wang’s Tinder profile picture.
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Disgraced president Richard Nixon holds up the objectively repugnant victory sign.

Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid

Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot for 100 days, that his strategy will not get him laid.

“I’ve been pretending to study back here, you know. Last time I had a big book on constitutional law and was checking out those girls there, but they don’t seem to care about me. Nor do they care about constitutional law,” Dump said.

The hapless seducer has also fine-tuned his Tinder profile to perfection, having incorporated on his Tinder page a photograph of himself holding an improbably large electric eel and a self-description explaining that he is “a polyamorous, pansexual man ready to shock and rock you.”

“Do you think she likes me?” he asked, pointing at a ginger woman sipping pumpkin latte on the other side of the room. “She said ‘hi’ to me last time. That means she likes me, right?”

Reporters explained to Dump that he is “being a gigantic pussy and should just go up to her and talk,” but Dump objected that “she’s always busy using her laptop and talking to her friends.”

“So?” replied the reporters. “You’re being a big pussy.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Dump explained.

After regaining his composure, Dump said that he plans to “up his game” and “get out of his comfort zone” by sitting closer to his romantic interests and reading more interesting materials. “I’ll sit at that table instead,” he said, pointing at a table three feet away from his current location. “And I’ll read Moby Dick and Cosmopolitan instead.”

Dump is presently sitting at the next table and sipping an expensive foreign beer. He has changed his Tinder photo to one of himself holding a whale.

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Hapless seducer Ronald Dump’s fantasy is to be just like this guy.

Cunning linguist enters banged-up Volvo

EUGENE, OR—Saying that he felt too cold to be out in the snow, a cunning linguist gained entrance into a woman’s Volvo.

“I was just so tired from drawing Venn Diaphragms of eggcorns all day that I decided I had to take a break in someone’s old banger, so I saw her and thought, sure, a 40-year-old Volvo would do,” said Professor Richard Anderson.

Fanny Johnson, 40, initially denied the linguist entrance into her vehicle. “I didn’t even know him. Why would I let him in? Then he said something about an important linguistics study he had to do for the university, and I consented.”

The professor explains, “I was interviewing the woman as part of a study on the artificial dissemination of bad puns, and I’ve reached the conclusion that sometimes making good puns is just way too hard and people just don’t get it. I went at it hammer and tongs though, so I guess that’s enough.”

Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day

BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s so exciting,” she gushed. “I’m passionate like that.”

Sans-Blurb has increased her blog viewership by 1200% using this strategy, and she advises all aspiring bloggers to do the same. “Reading your own posts billions of times not only boosts blog views; it allows you to catch typos and grammamr mistakes and improve your Featured Image so that everything is fine-tuned to perfection. That’s what gets viewers hooked.”

Two bloggers have already liked her most recent post, including her mom.

Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now

LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire.

Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills more than a week ago, using only his wrinkled old fingers as lock picks to break into a secret underground passageway that leads to a luxurious wine cellar.

Disguised as a young cocktail waitress, Ehrmantraut laced a bottle of Zafiro Añejo tequila with ricin, a deadly and difficult-to-trace neurotoxin, before serving the fatal drink to the unabashed and elderly Lothario.

Due to poor eyesight, Hefner, 91, mistook Ehrmantraut for a woman and promptly quaffed the tequila without suspicion. Ehrmantraut waited for a week for Hefner to pass away, and then removed the victim’s iconic red velvet robe and silk pajamas before changing into them, professing to be the world’s newest and most eminent playboy.

“When I set my mind on something, I do it,” Ehrmantraut stated to reporters. “I take full measures only and the girls know they deserve something better than Hugh’s four-inch measure.”

Ehrmantraut was last seen in a jacuzzi with five other women with whom he was sharing a generous portion of pimento cheese and caviar. All the girls seem to love Ehrmantraut more than they loved Hefner.