Though he has had no luck making Tinder matches with girls who don’t hold up victory signs, lonely high school math teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, has attracted the attention of affluent yacht owners who hold up victory signs for… Read More ›
Lifestyle
Sexy math man tired of girls who hold victory signs
Saying that he is tired of Asian girls who hold up victory signs for no reason, lonely high school teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, embarks on a futile mission to find suitable women online. “It is a sad fact that… Read More ›
Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid
Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot… Read More ›
Cunning linguist enters banged-up Volvo
EUGENE, OR—Saying that he felt too cold to be out in the snow, a cunning linguist gained entrance into a woman’s Volvo. “I was just so tired from drawing Venn Diaphragms of eggcorns all day that I decided I had… Read More ›
Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s… Read More ›
Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now
LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire. Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby… Read More ›
Surgeon General warns young women pouring antifreeze on tampons
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid of choice among those who use tampons for the past few decades. The nation’s top gynecologist,… Read More ›
IKEA offers high-quality, unassembled pork chops
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s restaurants. “People used to say everything here’s cardboard,” said IKEA CEO Peter Agnefjäll. “But we’ve… Read More ›
Selfish female passenger confuses desperate man by reclining into his lap
LOS ANGELES—On a 14-hour flight to Tokyo, an irredeemably egocentric woman constantly reclined her seat into the lap of a recently divorced man, making him think that she was romantically interested in him. “I thought, the man in front of… Read More ›
Chatty woman can’t stop talking about how boyfriend complains about how she talks too much
CHATTANOOGA, TN—An overly talkative woman talked nonstop about how her boyfriend complains about her talking too much. Janelle Adams, 32, said, “He’s always, like, complaining about how I talk too much, and I know that I might like to, you… Read More ›
The Bald Beagle 