CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit. College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen Degenerate, 29, had been blogging for two months. In a matter of weeks, the average number of daily visitors to… Read More ›
COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t really understand. “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him,” he recited repeatedly during… Read More ›
In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and virtually cremated. Following recent PR disasters involving the forcible removal… Read More ›
After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her. Approximately 1 percent of the general… Read More ›
ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the future, repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen. Jerry, who is an… Read More ›
Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious… Read More ›
Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to… Read More ›
At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is a culinary procedure whereby debate over a proposed piece of boneless meat or fish is extended, obstructing… Read More ›
SACRAMENTO—Numerous authors have crushed writer’s block by banging their heads against desks, and many of these writers have risen to fame. Touted by the Observer as a “gargantuan-selling writer,” James Patterson advised students in his online MasterClass to bang their heads… Read More ›
WASHINGTON—A girl found out the hard way not to show images of political ice cream images to her boyfriend while cuddling. During a cuddling session with her boyfriend Darren on Friday, Dakota Madison, 21, slipped out of Darren’s arms to check… Read More ›
The Bald Beagle 