CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit. College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen Degenerate, 29, had been blogging for two months. In a matter of weeks, the average number of daily visitors to… Read More ›
Lifestyle
Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings
COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t really understand. “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him,” he recited repeatedly during… Read More ›
United Airlines botches rabbit meal, promises to do better
In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and virtually cremated. Following recent PR disasters involving the forcible removal… Read More ›
Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her
After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her. Approximately 1 percent of the general… Read More ›
Customer service assistant swears he’ll repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen
ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the future, repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen. Jerry, who is an… Read More ›
Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50
Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious… Read More ›
Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners
Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to… Read More ›
Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen
At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is a culinary procedure whereby debate over a proposed piece of boneless meat or fish is extended, obstructing… Read More ›
Banging head against desk breaks writer’s block
SACRAMENTO—Numerous authors have crushed writer’s block by banging their heads against desks, and many of these writers have risen to fame. Touted by the Observer as a “gargantuan-selling writer,” James Patterson advised students in his online MasterClass to bang their heads… Read More ›
Girl regrets showing political ice cream photos to boyfriend while cuddling
WASHINGTON—A girl found out the hard way not to show images of political ice cream images to her boyfriend while cuddling. During a cuddling session with her boyfriend Darren on Friday, Dakota Madison, 21, slipped out of Darren’s arms to check… Read More ›