SANDY EGGO—On Thursday, a plate of delicious eggcorns on my violet silverware failed to pass mustard with Chef Ramsay, who called my dish a “jar-dropping failure for all intensive purposes.” “The steaks are high now,” I thought. I was a… Read More ›
Lifestyle
High-maintenance demon Baxaxaxa hires child to regain popularity.
NEW ORLEANS—Thought to have been consigned to oblivion three millennia ago, the attention-seeking demon Baxaxaxa made a last-ditch attempt to reenter our collective consciousness with the help of a kindergartner. Lotta Becker, 5, summoned Baxaxaxa last summer when she inadvertently… Read More ›
Suicidal woman who smokes weed loses lighter, was ‘staaaaarving, dude’
DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.” The husband returned from work to find his wife, Marjorie Queen, 56, sprawled lifelessly on the living room… Read More ›
Handsome man cannot believe he has no matches on Tinder
WHITE PINE BAY, OR—Local eye candy Norman Bates cannot believe that he has had no luck on the popular dating app Tinder, despite the fact that he has been right swiping everyone for two months straight. Seeking romance and adventure,… Read More ›
Uninvited guests trade heroin for hamburgers in What Country, CA, carry submachine guns
WHAT COUNTRY, CA—Park Rangers were alerted to two men who traded heroin for hamburgers at a picnic in What Country, California on Saturday afternoon. The Rangers notified What Country Police, who promptly detained a hamburger vendor for questioning. Witnesses reported that the drug… Read More ›
Belligerent Krav Maga master refuses to stop grabbing groins
JERUSALEM—In spite of his students’ complaints, Krav Maga master Eli Gould refused to stop grabbing his students’ groins. Gould, 35, is also a Mossad agent who allegedly killed Hamas operative Mazen Fuqaha in March 2017. In 1976, the Israeli Defense… Read More ›
‘Yes Man’ clashes with Knights Who Say ‘Ni’, says ‘no’ to shrubbery donation
COLUMBUS, OH—The Knights Who Say “Ni” were notified by hikers of a suspicious man in Hocking Hills yesterday. At 5:00 p.m., the Knights investigated the area, where they encountered a shirtless man holding a sign that bore the word “YES”… Read More ›
Zen Buddhists eat traditional Japanese donuts during meditation
EIHEIJI, JAPAN—Zen Buddhist Dōgen Zenji, 38, revealed an esoteric trick to successful meditation known as dōnatsu no michi, the practice of masticating a piece of donut until one becomes united with the cosmos. The history of the donut is disputed. Some… Read More ›
Third grader locks himself in Skinner box in failed attempt to achieve enlightenment
TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—While teachers convened in preparation for a PTA meeting, American School in Taichung (AST) 8-year-old student Dustin Huffman sought nirvana in the science lab, to which he gained unauthorized access using a crowbar he had stolen from the general affairs… Read More ›
The Bald Beagle 