Category Archives: Music

Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl

Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald Trump while the two leaders grooved to the Danish-Norwegian dance pop group Aqua’s immortal hit, “Barbie Girl.” “I am delighted to say Donald really got me in the mood. He brought back so many memories

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Stoned jazz student thinks exasperated teacher digs his music

BALTIMORE—After smoking a large but indeterminate amount of marijuana, a jazz student mistook his teacher’s silence for a sign of musical approval. “The dude just sort of looked at me, you know?” said Dustin Beaver, a freshman at the Peabody Conservatory of the Johns Hopkins University. “I did this sick fucking solo on Giant Steps and then quoted some Stevie

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Kenny G assaults Delta passengers with nonconsensual sax

Los Angeles—Trapped in an airplane flying at 39,000 ft, Delta passengers failed to escape the unsolicited advances of Kenny Gorelick, more commonly known by his sobriquet Kenny G. The frizzy-haired multimillionaire took advantage of a turbulent flight in which passengers were hopelessly strapped to their chairs. Having violated the passengers’ eardrums, Mr. Gorelick made overtures to the flight attendants, who ran

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Musicians know tone-deaf rich people pretend to like jazz

NEW ORLEANS—Many tone-deaf, affluent audiences pretend to enjoy jazz, and their pearl necklaces and tailored suits aren’t fooling musicians. Weary of their listeners’ tone-deafness, musicians decided to gather concrete evidence of their audiences’ musical illiteracy on Monday. During a live performance at the famous Snug Harbor Jazz Bistro, performing musicians pop quizzed a few millionaires and their family members at the

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Renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation

NEW YORK—A motley crew of musicians and doctors confirmed that world-renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation, a disorder that afflicts more than 3.5 million pianists worldwide. The pianist is the recipient of numerous accolades and has performed for former Secretary-General of the United Nations Kofi Annan, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, Vladimir Putin, and numerous other international dignitaries.

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