Category Archives: Politics

Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication

WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him. “It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.” White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and

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Russians claim they did not meddle with US presidental erection

WASHINGTON—After President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the Putin spokesperson claimed that Russia did not meddle with the 2016 presidential erection. “That’s Trump’s problem,” said Dmitry Prekov, Kremlin Press Secretary. “We have nothing to do with it. We’re sure you guys can maintain your own presidential erections. This is a U.S. internal affair, so we’re sure it’s all in your

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Ohio Residents Celebrate President Trump’s Legalization of Marijuana

by Doobie Man, Jr. “He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete with “hipster tip” as filter. “I’ve been smoking marijuana for years. But I’ve never witnessed such a jump in the increase of quality until Mr. Trump took office. Sure, I got my hands on some

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Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest

Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press decided to publish a fireproof version of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. Written by an avid library-goer who never went to college, the classic novel recounts the tale of a dystopian future in

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Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen

At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is a culinary procedure whereby debate over a proposed piece of boneless meat or fish is extended, obstructing progress in a cooking facility.* The practice is commonly employed in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen, where contestants purposefully prolong heated arguments

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Donald McDonald promises to ‘make America fat again’, invades fatter foreign nations while no one knows what is going on anymore

WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world. More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands,

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Trojans urge angry Michigan State Spartans to make love, not war

EAST LANSING, MI—When Michigan State University’s mascot Sparty propositioned Helen on Wednesday, she rebuffed his advances, saying that they can’t do it if they don’t have protection. Relations between the two nation states have deteriorated, with the Trojans offering love and free condoms in their attempt to appease the Spartans. Having had no luck with the cheerleaders at MSU, the

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