Category: Science

“Robostitutes” are the new black

Last month, a retired philosophy professor asked for a refund because the sex android he bought from us did not “moan and argue like Leibniz.” Yes. There’s a burgeoning market for that kind of thing.

The technicians understood Leibniz’s mathematics, but had difficulty with his philosophy. So, I had to explain to them the fundamentals of windowless monads, preformation, and medieval conceptions of causation. “We shall proverbially touch each other’s’ monads by means of ideal influence,” Silicone Leibniz was subsequently programmed to utter. Then, he would moan, upon penetration: “Oh, Newton, this is the best of all possible worlds!” The reprogrammed Leibniz passed the professor’s Turing Test, so, by law, we were no longer obligated to give him a refund.

Silicone Leibniz is one of 163,000 “robostitutes” produced each day (for comparison, 164,000 cars were produced daily in 2012). Last December alone, I had to singlehandedly satisfy the literary fetishes of three eccentric patrons. The first client wanted a gynoid whose thought processes mimic those of the protagonist Offred in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale; the second wanted his Hilary Clinton simulacrum to scat with the voice of Ella Fitzgerald, and the third wanted his Bertrand Russell android to apologize for erring in Principia Mathematica.

“Who’s to stop a grown man from climaxing to Rousseau?” said Jon Stewart Mills, founder of sex cyborg company Artifical Disseminations, Inc. “Aside from giving us freedom, the advent of the intellectual sex cyborg is also a godsend for thousands of unemployed liberal arts graduates who now work as literary consultants for dozens of companies specializing in artificial intelligence.

“Tech-savvy scientists sitting in cubicles can make machines talk like humans, but they cannot make them think like humans, who, after millions of years of evolution, are hardwired to be sexually stimulated by art, literature, and philosophy–all the wonderful things for whose appreciation computers are not and cannot be endowed with.

“We’ve toyed with this idea for decades and endured a tremendous amount of skepticism. Now, the verdict is out: erudite robostitutes are the new black.”

Child suspicious of storks calls bullshit, turns into idiot

When seven-year-old Pubert Babbitt Jr. asked his parents where babies come from, his parents told him about the Stork: “The Stork is a big bird that drops babies into the house,” said Pubert Sr. Thinking that his parents must either be idiots or liars, Pubert Jr. pressed on, trapping them in contradictions and profound philosophical problems.

“But where do the Storks get the babies?”

“From other Storks.”

“But where do those other Storks get the babies?”

“I don’t know.”

“So you’re telling me it’s magic?”

“Yes, it’s magic.”

“So the babies popped out ex nihilo.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“You should. You’re the parent.”

“Watch your tone, young man.”

“My tone is irrelevant to the soundness of your argument.”

“What?”

“Well, where do Storks come from?”

“From other Storks.”

“How do they get the other Storks?”

“They drop them from the sky.”

“Why would they have to drop them from the sky if they already fly?”

“They have to learn how to fly first.”

“That’s fair. But you haven’t told me how they get other Storks.”

“I just did.”

“No, you didn’t. You told me that the other Storks drop them from the sky. You didn’t tell me where they come from.”

“Little man, you’re beginning to annoy me.”

“They must’ve got the baby storks from somewhere before they could get a hold of them before dropping them.”

“Then they must’ve.”

“So answer the question.”

“I already did.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Do I have to write everything down for you?”

“Kid, please, you don’t even know how to spell.”

“I’ll record it then.”

“Too bad, we don’t have a tape recorder. So, where do they get the other storks?”

“They get them from other storks, okay? Now finish your veggies.”

“You do know that storks are often, but not always, monogamous right?”

“Oh, now, are they?”

“You do know that the Principle of Inferential Justification has given rise to vexing epistemological issues since the days of the Ancient Greeks, right?”

“What? Finish your veggies.”

“So are you a foundationalist, a coherentist, or an infinitist?”

“I’m your father. Now, finish your food before I whoop your ass.”

“Do you and mom have sex?”

“WHAT?”

“It’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I know all about sex.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there.”

“Coitus can happen between a man and a woman when the man inserts his penis–”

“–WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?”

“The internet. Sex can also happen between a man and another man, a woman and another woman, a dog and a–”

“THAT’S IT. I’M TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU. GIVE ME YOUR LAPTOP, NOW!”

“You WHAT? No! That’s how I learn things!”

“Well, I guess that’s the end of it. No more learning.”

Pubert Jr. never learned another thing and grew up to become just like his parents.

Bears don’t understand why people say ‘awww’

NATURE—A bear and her cub fail to comprehend why people seem to say “awww” to them all the time.

“Yesterday, I was walking around on my paws just lookin’ for salmon, you know,” said Momma Bear. “Then I came face to face with some fat dude carrying a massive Smith and Wesson revolver. He sort of dropped his gun and said ‘awwww’. So I mauled him.”

Momma Bear said she then confronted the assailant’s buddy, who said, simply, “Awww, dude. Not cool.” She mauled him too, and then summarily ate his face.

When asked what he thought about the awesome issue, Momma Bear’s son, Teddy, declined to comment.

Surgeon reluctant to operate on conjoined twins

BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger Cavendish. The Cavendish family is now threatening the doctor with legal action in case he does not honor their wishes.

This is not the doctor’s first clash with patients’ families. In 2010, he rebuffed a family’s request for him to operate on twins Berry and Haley Solanum, who were conjoined at the head.

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Conjoined twins Berry and Haley Solanum are joined at the head

In 2008, he was also the subject of widespread public criticism for refusing to operate on conjoined octuplets.

“The last conjoined twins I worked on last time almost died,” said Dr.  Oliver Figgis. “It took me 22 hours just to separate them and there came a second and a third operation. One of them almost turned into a vegetable.”

The Cavendishes claim that, by refusing to operate on their children, Dr. Figgis has forsaken the most basic principle of medical ethics: primum non nocere (first do no harm), and should accordingly be sued for medical malpractice. “This shit is bananas, and he’s violated the Hypocritical Oath [sic],” they claimed, angrily wagging their appendages.

“I can’t for the life of me figure out what they’re yapping about,” said the doctor. “How can I even be sued for medical malpractice if I refused to practice for them? Are they nuts?”

Father Mike Cavendish reportedly said, “We’re not nuts. And if you keep on calling you that, we’ll sue you for slander and defamation, asshole.”

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The octuplets on whom Dr. Figgis refused to operate in 2008 remain conjoined to this day.
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Conjoined hazelnuts (https://julianasoup.com/tag/photography/)
mutant pineapples.jpg
Mutant(s)

Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom

HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom.

Guy Blöde, 33, put on his noise-cancelling headphones on Monday as he entered a gas station bathroom stall to commence what his psychiatrist calls “Long Distance Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (LDCBT),” the only long-distance form of psychotherapy that is scientifically proven to be efficacious.

LDCBT is typically done via Skype. Normally, the psychiatrist calls the patient to begin the session, and the patient is guided to modify thoughts and behaviors detrimental to his mental wellbeing.

“I told him that therapy should ideally be done in a quiet and comfortable setting free of distractions,” said Dr. Blair Watson. “He said he has an appointment after ours and was out on the streets and might be late, so he rushed into the quietest place he could find as fast as he could and called me two minutes late.”

Blöde was asked to identify irrational thoughts that have negatively impacted his emotional life, and to stop catastrophizing every situation that he perceives to be undesirable.

“Bathroom therapy is some good shit,” he said. “I didn’t know I could do it, but I did. I thought defecating is dirty and dangerous. But I forgot I was in the bathroom because of my noise-cancelling headphones. Then I spontaneously expelled my stuff as I sat on that toilet seat, and realized everything was still safe around me.”

Dr. Watson said that she has also incorporated what psychiatrists call “systematic desensitization” to their therapy sessions. This means that the psychiatrist gradually exposes the patient to his deepest fears in a safe setting so that he can learn that everything is all good and shit.

“Why have I never thought of that?” said Dr. Watson. “I didn’t even know he was in a public toilet until he told me at the end of the session. Then I thought about all that watery noise I heard and now everything makes sense. I mean, he didn’t even remember to take off his pants, and it’s good that he doesn’t give a shit.”

CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95

Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television.

“The House (gasp) Intelligence Committee investigation is looking into whether, uh, the Russians colluded with Trump associates (gasp) and you’re working in coordination with the FBI (gasp) criminal investigation (gasp) that James Comey … Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” the Blitzer machine said before it quit.

“Mr. Blitzer went on the fritz and showed us the blue screen of death,” said CNN savior Anderson Cooper. “We pressed ‘ctrl + alt + delete’ a dozen times, then finally gave up and replaced half of his hardware and put in the brand new Windows system.”

Sources confirmed that the hoary Blitzer machine now has a new taskbar and a “Start” button.

Robot TV personalities are commonplace in American news networks. Some artificial intelligence anchors at MSNBC allegedly run on macOS 10.2 Sierra. Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly runs on Windows XP, though he is infected with multiple Trojan Horse viruses after being hacked by Russians.

Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50

Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50.

The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious authority figure. The procedure was traditionally done by rectors, administrative leaders in certain Christian denominations.

“An apostate exam should be conducted once every six months,” said Rev. Samuel Alexander, as he inserted a finger into an elderly patient’s soul. “Most men over 50 have gone through a lot of stress in their lives, and sometimes multiple crises. They sometimes question God’s existence, and are at higher risk of defecating [sic].”

Apostasy first became formally criminalized in the 4th century, when the Roman Empire adopted a set of laws known as the Theodosian Code. While apostasy in Christianity is no longer a criminal offense, it is still worrisome to serious believers.

Religious leaders of Islam and Judaism are reportedly emulating the churches’ success, and are in the planning stages of setting up apostate exams in mosques and synagogues.