Category Archives: Science

“Robostitutes” are the new black

Last month, a retired philosophy professor asked for a refund because the sex android he bought from us did not “moan and argue like Leibniz.” Yes. There’s a burgeoning market for that kind of thing. The technicians understood Leibniz’s mathematics, but had difficulty with his philosophy. So, I had to explain to them the fundamentals of windowless monads, preformation, and

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Child suspicious of storks calls bullshit, turns into idiot

When seven-year-old Pubert Babbitt Jr. asked his parents where babies come from, his parents told him about the Stork: “The Stork is a big bird that drops babies into the house,” said Pubert Sr. Thinking that his parents must either be idiots or liars, Pubert Jr. pressed on, trapping them in contradictions and profound philosophical problems. “But where do the

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Surgeon reluctant to operate on conjoined twins

BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger Cavendish. The Cavendish family is now threatening the doctor with legal action in case he does not honor their wishes. This is not the doctor’s first clash with patients’ families. In 2010, he rebuffed a family’s request for

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Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom

HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom. Guy Blöde, 33, put on his noise-cancelling headphones on Monday as he entered a gas station bathroom stall to commence what his psychiatrist calls “Long Distance Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (LDCBT),” the only long-distance form of psychotherapy that is scientifically proven to

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CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95

Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television. “The House (gasp) Intelligence Committee investigation is looking into whether, uh, the Russians colluded with Trump associates (gasp) and you’re working in coordination with the FBI (gasp) criminal investigation (gasp) that James Comey … Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” the Blitzer machine said before

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Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50

Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious authority figure. The procedure was traditionally done by rectors, administrative leaders in certain Christian denominations. “An apostate exam should be

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