Category Archives: Science

Insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent, study finds

BOSTON—A new paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent than their well-slept counterparts. Sleep researchers said that those who are chronically sleep-deprived tend to be more sexually appealing and better-groomed. “Insomniacs tend to leave their makeup on while sleeping,” said Richard Fawkins, professor of neuroscience at Boston College. “They tend to keep

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AT&T expands coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers

DALLAS—AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson announced on Tuesday that the company will expand coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers. “Bad wireless coverage has been responsible for millions of avoidable deaths,” said Stephenson. “Now, you no longer have to worry about not being able to place a call when you most need to.” The wireless carrier has faced a series of PR debacles in

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One eggplant slowly recovers from discoloration, begins to talk

MIAOLI, TAIWAN—One of the two eggplants that unexpectedly took on a humanoid shape last Friday is slowly regaining its normal hue. In what scientists think is the most curious scientific anomaly of the millennium, two eggplants, named “Vanessa” and “Angel” by residents in Miaoli, became abnormally engorged and deformed, taking on the shape of the human species. While scientists regarded the

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Eggplants turn into smiling humanoids possibly unfit for human consumption

MIAOLI, TAIWAN—Two seemingly normal eggplants have become so bloated and deformed that they resemble human beings. While scientists call the transformation an “alarming scientific anomaly,” locals call it a “miraculous godsend,” and have given the eggplants honorary titles. Miaoli elementary student Chen Sui-Ni (陳隨你), 12, first came up with the idea of naming them when he was reading Jonathan Swift. “My

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Immaculate conception: male Christians give birth to stellar soccer team

TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—On Sunday, two male soccer coaches at the Morrison Academy gave birth to a stellar soccer team consisting of 19 male teenagers. No sooner had coaches Abraham Sbardolini, 36, and Sera Sera, 48—both of whom were frustrated by what they perceived to be an incompetent soccer team—prayed zealously for a better soccer team than the latter experienced excruciating pain in

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