After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human equality and liberty.
“Four scores and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Trump intoned. He added, “Notice how I said ‘men’.”
Trump’s apology fell flat and backfired almost instantaneously. Amid jeers and general chaos outside Trump Tower, the president shouted, “I don’t understand why you sons of bitches don’t like my speech. It’s fucking patriotic.”
University of Chicago professor of political science Leo Strauss remarked, “Trump’s delivery of one of the most beloved orations in American history evinces his thoroughgoing ignorance of elementary history and disrespect for core democratic ideals as well as a low proficiency in vocabulary and logic. ‘Four score’ means 80, so the speech was made 87 years after America was founded. What year is this?”
“That’s not what ‘score’ means,” Trump replied in a recent press briefing. “‘Score’ means the football player scored, get it? And why am I even talking to you fake news reporters?”
Trump detractors commented on the inappropriateness of delivering a wartime speech during our present period of peace. They also noted that the speech does not serve well as a formal apology.
“Fuck you, bitches,” said Trump. “‘Apology’ means ‘defense for my conduct’, and I’m here to defend my so-called unbecoming conduct. We’re at war now. War is what makes our nation great. You want peace? Prepare for war. War of the people, by the people, and for the people. Do not twist the words of our great President Lincoln.”
SEATTLE—Struggling with his last set of shoulder presses, Jimmy put on his war face, verbally encouraged himself, and got a six-pack.
“You can do this, bruh. Yes you can. Come on, bruh. Pump that shit. You like that, bruh? You like that shit? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do,” he said to himself before his midriff shed ten pounds of fat to reveal stunning, washboard abs.
Jimmy has been hitting the gym once a week for the past two weeks, but had not seen much improvement until this morning, when he decided to use words of encouragement on himself. “It’s literally insane that I’ve never thought of doing that,” said Jimmy. “I see guys do it to other guys all the time, so, I thought, why can’t I do that to myself? Then I said, ‘Of course you can, bruh. Of course’.”
The successful bodybuilder also maximizes his workout efficiency by drinking a vanilla milkshake made of GNC’s Proprietary Thermosculpting Blend: X-treme ManShake Technology® while listening to his custom playlist consisting mostly of Alan Walker and Darude Sandstorm.
He advises everyone to drink a protein shake always after working out, never before, and always with organic soy milk kept at room temperature.
JERUSALEM—In spite of his students’ complaints, Krav Maga master Eli Gould refused to stop grabbing his students’ groins. Gould, 35, is also a Mossad agent who allegedly killed Hamas operative Mazen Fuqaha in March 2017.
In 1976, the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) began a rigorous program that advocated groin-grabbing as an effective offensive strategy, proclaiming it to be indispensable to national security. Gould, who was well-aware of the strategic benefits of groin-grabbing, added that it has “much cultural significance.” He said, “This is the way my father did things. This is the way my grandfather did things. This is the way the Shin Bet does things. It’s Israeli. It’s a lifestyle that needs to be respected.”
Yet, not all of Gould’s students would agree. Bradley Sinclair, an exchange student from Pennsylvania, lamented that Gould’s “excessive groping has taken a toll on my physical and emotional health,” claiming that his coach’s behavior is “a dishonorable and underhanded way of resolving conflicts.”
Gould apparently does not intend to heed his students’ complaints. “Any Krav Maga practitioner worth his salt has balls of steel,” he snapped. “Fight me and grow a pair.”
TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—On Sunday, two male soccer coaches at the Morrison Academy gave birth to a stellar soccer team consisting of 19 male teenagers. No sooner had coaches Abraham Sbardolini, 36, and Sera Sera, 48—both of whom were frustrated by what they perceived to be an incompetent soccer team—prayed zealously for a better soccer team than the latter experienced excruciating pain in his lower abdomen.
Sbardolini said that he “felt it kick a few times” before he underwent labor, during which a Morrison student promptly rushed to a school nurse to fetch a stretcher. According to Sera, The student single-handedly dragged the coach-laden, 200-pound stretcher across five miles of asphalt before giving up and abandoning both the stretcher and the coach before the hospital.
Sera, however, was not so lucky. “I didn’t know my water had broken until I felt it running down my legs,” said Sera. “It was so intense.”
Upon seeing Sera, students and faculty hijacked a Honda Civic, pushing Sera into the backseat before driving him to the China Medical University Hospital. Obstetricians performed a Caesarian section as Sera screamed, “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”
Ultimately, the nineteen sons were delivered without incident. They were promptly baptized and indoctrinated into Evangelical Protestantism. They are all named Isaac.
Do not click.