Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one gram of the traditional Korean herb per week for the past two years. “I try getting my daughter to smoke sacred vegetable, tell her good for homework grades and such, but she say no.”
Published in the Journal of Korean Medical Science, “Epidemiology of Cannabis Use and Associated Benefits” claims that 53 percent of Koreans aged sixty or above are “satisfied” with the marijuana they have been receiving, 20 percent are “very satisfied,” and 9 percent are “too high to respond properly.”
The results are encouraging for Koreans, who are viewed by neighboring Asians as one of the most progressive citizens of the world ever since a referendum in 2013 paved the way for the legalization of marijuana and other substances, including cocaine and methamphetamine, both of which are frequently used to boost studying and work.
Antoine Fuqua, the director of Training Day, has made The Equalizer, an emotional drama based on the life of a depressed bald man. “It’s time for the public to wake up and see just how difficult life can be for the hair-challenged,” said Fuqua. “As a bald man myself, I can relate.”
The movie recounts the life of Tony Delcavoli (Denzel Washington). Lacking confidence due to lack of hair, Delcavoli can’t help but cast furtive glances at people with hair when he takes the subway to work. “Look at that man over there, that smug asshole grooming his beard with a fork,” he complained. “Who does he think he is?”
“Delcavoli is a brave, brave man,” said Fuqua. “You know, hairless men are 40 to 50 times more likely than the average American to be called ‘cue ball’, and I don’t take that as a compliment.”
Critical reception has been sharply divided, with Roger Ebert calling it a “maudlin piece of tearjerking nonsense” and Armond White saying that it “warms both the heart and the head.”
Saying he wants to prepare students for the job market, Chancellor Elvis Dumbefore of Hogwash College proudly announced the installation of lavatories where students can puke out information and flush away millennia’s worth of wisdom down the toilet.
“At Hogwash, we will make higher education relevant again. Students can now gain real world experience and be ready to enter the workforce by the time they graduate. If they find that Plato or Kant take too much of their time and energy, they can now visit our new restrooms, known as Knowledge Vomitiriums, to relieve themselves, so that they have time to kiss their employers’ asses.”
Despite its name, the “Knowledge Vomitorium” is equipped not only with (1) a sink into which students can regurgitate information that they learned though never deeply pondered, but also (2) high-power commodes with which they can dispose of scholarly materials they are too lazy to digest as well as (3) buckets into which students may drop bullshit, which will then be reused as fertilizer to facilitate the flourishing of young freshmen.
“We are a green campus,” Dumbefore explained. “We recycle everything, especially bullshit, because these days there’s just too much bullshit for us to dump into the landfill in good conscience.”
Despite Dumbefore’s optimism, a few professors and students have raised eyebrows.
“Once in a while, we encounter a kernel of undigested truth that messes with the plumbing in the Knowledge Vomitoriums, but those pesky little things are few and far between, so we’re not very concerned about those,” says Professor of Communication Ben Zodiazepine.
A minority of students take it even further, arguing that the Knowledge Vomitoriums only spell trouble for the future. On their view, the proper way of dealing with those vexing kernels of truth is to extract them from the pipes, no matter how hard it may be to do so, so that we can more easily identify, analyze, and digest them.
“We have to do it,” says math prodigy Paul Liedtke, 16. “Otherwise, we’ll be clogging up the toilets so bad one day that we’ll literally be drowning in a great flood of data and bullshit.”
Student Scott F. Bakin, 23, lamented:
“Shit, dude. Last night, I had to take this huge shit. And when I shat, dude, all this shit just started overflowing. Fucking disgusting, dude. Those fucking kernels of truth are hard as fuck to destroy. And they make life hard, trying to find them stuck infinitely deep in the plumbing where we’ll never know. Drano doesn’t help. Worse, they might be in some dark, godless recess tucked profoundly in some elderly professor’s asshole. We gotta deal with that shit, man. That’s sort of gross. I guess that’s why so many people are ignoring the problem.”
The chancellor agreed to address concerns about plumbing. “Everything will be fine,” he tweeted. “There are no kernels of truth. Truth is a relative concept. That’s why it won’t pose a problem for the toilets. Because there are NO KERNALS.”
“He’s a kernel denier,” said Christopher Bitchins, 20. “He’s scientifically illiterate. And maybe just illiterate.”
“That’s a euphemism, ‘kernel denier’ is. There’s a name for people who deny the truth,” said Bakin. “We call them liars.”