CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95

Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television. “The House (gasp) Intelligence Committee investigation is looking into whether, uh, the Russians colluded with Trump associates (gasp) and you’re working in coordination with the FBI (gasp) criminal investigation (gasp) that James Comey … Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” the Blitzer machine said before

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Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50

Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50. The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious authority figure. The procedure was traditionally done by rectors, administrative leaders in certain Christian denominations. “An apostate exam should be

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Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners

Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to mend their dysfunctional, bleeding hearts. The renegade beagle, Roger, is the only dog in the world capable of experiencing complex

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Politicians applaud fillet-busters used in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen

At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters. Fillet-bustering is a culinary procedure whereby debate over a proposed piece of boneless meat or fish is extended, obstructing progress in a cooking facility.* The practice is commonly employed in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen, where contestants purposefully prolong heated arguments

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U.S. Department of Education bolsters adult literacy using adult literature

32 million adults in the United States are illiterate, and this statistic has not changed in ten years, according to the U.S. Department of Education. In an attempt to bolster American adult literacy, the federal government is urging educators to promote adult reading materials from across the globe. The new literacy campaign, called “No Adults Left Behind,” brings to the spotlight literary works

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Donald McDonald promises to ‘make America fat again’, invades fatter foreign nations while no one knows what is going on anymore

WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world. More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands,

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