Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl

Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald Trump while the two leaders grooved to the Danish-Norwegian dance pop group Aqua’s immortal hit, “Barbie Girl.” “I am delighted to say Donald really got me in the mood. He brought back so many memories

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A sophomoric introduction to bullshit

In college, my adviser introduced me to elementary logic and opened my eyes to the beauty of academic philosophy, at once dispelling popular misconceptions of philosophy as mere intellectual masturbation and adumbrating the hows and whys of the bullshitty things that give philosophy a bad name. It’s been many years since I wrote my last paper on bullshit, and my

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Surgeon reluctant to operate on conjoined twins

BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger Cavendish. The Cavendish family is now threatening the doctor with legal action in case he does not honor their wishes. This is not the doctor’s first clash with patients’ families. In 2010, he rebuffed a family’s request for

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Las Vegas shooter had salad before rampage

LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500. “He said he didn’t want croutons and that he doesn’t like Italian and would rather have room temperature water than iced water,” said Mandalay Bay hotel staff. “Hey, man. Whatever satisfies the public’s appetite for new and exciting stories, right?” Claiming

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Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day

BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s so exciting,” she gushed. “I’m passionate like that.” Sans-Blurb has increased her blog viewership by 1200% using this strategy, and

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