BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel Fang, 17. “But now I lose weight and wear S. Harvard good fit for me.” Sources confirmed on Sunday that Ms. Fang lost 10 pounds in 22 days after she went on an organic vegan diet and joined the gym. Her daily exercise routine includes twenty minutes on the treadmill, twenty sit-ups, and lots of stretching. “I spent so much time and energy working so hard,” said Ms. Fang. “Now I finally get what I deserve, and then look at all my friends with their Stanford t-shirts and laugh at them, tee-hee.” Proud of her achievement, Ms. Fang tries to wear her shirt every day, making sure to post them on Instagram. She thanks her mother, who posted on Facebook, “My daughter got into Harvard shirt!” And she thanks God, who gave her courage and resilience.
LOS ANGELES—To keep Twin Peaks audiences in suspense, David Lynch incorporated a loading screen in Season 3, Episode 8 of the cult TV series.
“I’m bucking the conventional cliffhanger and using this cinematographic device I invented at the dawn of the internet. Loading, or “buffering”, screens are an effective way to make your audience want more,” said Lynch.
At about the twenty-minute mark of the episode, a nuclear bomb explodes in slow motion in White Sands, New Mexico. Soon after, the loading screen appears, and sporadically interrupts the mushroom cloud.
“Using loading screens isn’t easy,” said Lynch. “You want audiences to feel the suspense, frustration, and anger that the characters feel. You want your audience to participate vicariously, to feel just as frustrated as, say, Dale Cooper. You can’t put loading screens too early on because your audience has to be emotionally invested in the film first.
“Then, bam, it comes out of nowhere. The loading screen should be there for about 5 seconds, and then the mushroom cloud interrupts the loading screen, and then after 2 minutes, the loading screen appears again. See?
“This way, while you watch the mushroom cloud, you also never know when the loading screen will reappear. And when the loading screen does appear, you never know when the mushroom cloud will reappear. Double suspense!”
Unique and daring, Lynch has long been a trendsetter in the world of cinema. As of this morning, many other directors have begun to emulate Lynch by incorporating loading screens in their films.
MOSCOW—CIA agents R, like, so focused on Eddy Snowy’s bubble-licious handwriting 4 like no reason, lolz. Wut duz the CIA want? I luv Eddy he is like, so cute and smart. Last nite me and my BFF had the bestest sleepover everzzz. She was like, Eddy is soooo cute I want to go visit him in russia!!!! And i said yes Michelle lets go visit Eddy in russia but you hav to make sure we, like, whack all of russia’s bodyguards. Oh Michelle do u think russian bodyguards R like all cute and musclely? cuz last time when Suzie like redrummed those mossad agents she was like *OMG* those Israelis r like SOOOOOO strong with their 6pks *OMG* i know right?!?!?!?!?! So anywayz here’s our inventory *beyotches* ~~~ M16A4 assault rifle, Glockz pistolz of any size, minigun ~~~ multibarrelled 7.62 mm electrically operated gatling gun mounted on boats helicopters and vehicles ~~~ *OMG*!! WE R GOING TO B FAMOUS BEYOTCHES WE R ROCKSTAR TERRORISTS! HERE WE CUM RUSSIA!!!!! WOOT WOOT PEACE OUT!!!
ps do u think justin bieber knows how to use AK47 or M79 grenade launcher? I don’t think so…I know right lolz? He’s so lame…
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s restaurants.
“People used to say everything here’s cardboard,” said IKEA CEO Peter Agnefjäll. “But we’ve proved them wrong. Here at IKEA, we are proud to present to you our new line of Nordic-inspired pork dishes, made from only the highest-quality ingredients of pine and natural rubber found in the alpine tundra of north-western Sweden.”
Agnefjäll assured customers that the new line of pork chops comes with lifetime guarantee against defects in materials and workmanship. The pork chops come with user-friendly instruction manuals. There are no refunds.
LOS ANGELES—On a 14-hour flight to Tokyo, an irredeemably egocentric woman constantly reclined her seat into the lap of a recently divorced man, making him think that she was romantically interested in him.
“I thought, the man in front of me is an asshole,” said Patrick Bates, 42. “Then I noticed it was a woman, and I looked at the back of her head and thought, wow, she’s attractive. I thought, why is she in my lap? Does she like me?”
Not wanting to appear creepy, Mr. Bates allowed the woman to recline her seat throughout the entire flight, and even made sure not to turn on his blindingly bright reading light lest he disturbed her sleep. To that end, he also sat still throughout the entire flight, never once getting up to use the lavatory.
Mr. Bates remained hopeful about love and imagined numerous hypothetical conversations with the woman for more than 14 hours, until they parted ways at an x-ray luggage scan checkpoint in Tokyo. He thought about her the entire day.
The woman was unaware that Mr. Bates sat behind her.
To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I will sexually assault your women. I will pollute the environment and approve the Keystone and Dakota pipelines and continue to lower carbon emission standards. I will I ensure I ostracize minorities and incur the wrath of Muslims, gays, transgender people, and any world leader on whim. I will incur the wrath of North Korea. I will cause a full-blown nuclear war. If you attempt to stop me, I will get rid of you anyway. I have already gotten rid of your FBI Director.
I will destroy White House records. I will do everything in my power to stop abortions, increase unsafe abortions around the world, make contraception a thing of the past, and ensure that the mothers of babies die before the babies grow up to be gassed or drowned by a naturally changing climate that is caused by Orion and non-existent Zodiac signs. You will die unless you join me and my team of white men and money-grubbing suckers. I will indoctrinate your children.
I have colluded with foreign powers and will continue to do so. I will lead you on wild goose chases and distract you by sending you more and more messages, and even tweets, and insoluble ciphers. I don’t go by one name alone. On Twitter, my name is “bigot”. I have multiple names. You can’t catch me. You can’t stop me.
I am the Zodiac.
P.S. Everyone should wear the red caps I sent you. Or I will slit your throat or bash your head in with a blunt object. It might be the special prosecutor. It might be the attorney general. It might be the national security adviser. You won’t know who it is. But you will see it on the news.
ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach.
After accidentally breaking a bad fly swatter, Jamie Yeoman, 25, took a bottle of hydrochloric acid off the shelf, squirting it at a gargantuan Madagascar cockroach that contaminated his hitherto immaculate laboratory. Although aggressive, his tactic was far from lethal, and the cockroach, which as a species is said to be able to withstand 2,000 times the amount of radiation considered lethal for humans, absconded unscathed.
“That lab is, like, my private domicile, yo,” he said. “Bitch.”
The chemist is still searching for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach. On the bottom of the container should be stamped the letters “LDPE.”
If you have any potentially helpful information for Mr. Yeoman, please call 148-3, 3-to-the-3-to-the-6-to-the-9, representing the ABQ. Waddup, beyotch? Leave it at the tone.
WASHINGTON—Unable to win a chess game against me, a frustrated man is using empty threats and other juvenile methods of intimidation in hopes of overpowering me.
Francisco Madero, 57, gave up all hope when I took his queen early on in the game.
“He put his knight on C7 and put me in check, and I could have castled before that, but I forgot to do that,” he said. “And then the only thing I could do was to take the knight with my queen, and that’s when he took her with that goddamn bishop.”
A flustered and fuming Mr. Madero glowered at me. Caressing his now taken queen, he hissed, “I loved that woman. I loved her more than sharks love blood.”
“F. U., you dumb piece of shit,” I explained.
“A lion does not ask permission before he eats a zebra,” he retorted. “So I’m gonna eat your zebra.”
“But there is no fucking lion. Or zebra. You don’t even have your queen and bishops anymore,” I explained. “But yeah, I’ll have your antelope medium rare.”
“You’d better watch your mouth,” he hissed.
“Hey, man. If you don’t like how the table is set, turn over the table,” I said.
Mr. Madero complied, literally turning the table to play white instead. He said, as he shifted his chair closer to the table, “Power is a lot like real estate. It’s about location, location, location.”
Much to Mr. Madero’s chagrin, I again gained the upper hand. “Eat that, motherfucker,” I said, as I took his last rook. But he refused to back down.
“The road to power is paved with hypocrisy. And casualties,” he whispered, choking back tears. “There are two kinds of pain. The sort that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.”
I moved a piece.
HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom.
Guy Blöde, 33, put on his noise-cancelling headphones on Monday as he entered a gas station bathroom stall to commence what his psychiatrist calls “Long Distance Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (LDCBT),” the only long-distance form of psychotherapy that is scientifically proven to be efficacious.
LDCBT is typically done via Skype. Normally, the psychiatrist calls the patient to begin the session, and the patient is guided to modify thoughts and behaviors detrimental to his mental wellbeing.
“I told him that therapy should ideally be done in a quiet and comfortable setting free of distractions,” said Dr. Blair Watson. “He said he has an appointment after ours and was out on the streets and might be late, so he rushed into the quietest place he could find as fast as he could and called me two minutes late.”
Blöde was asked to identify irrational thoughts that have negatively impacted his emotional life, and to stop catastrophizing every situation that he perceives to be undesirable.
“Bathroom therapy is some good shit,” he said. “I didn’t know I could do it, but I did. I thought defecating is dirty and dangerous. But I forgot I was in the bathroom because of my noise-cancelling headphones. Then I spontaneously expelled my stuff as I sat on that toilet seat, and realized everything was still safe around me.”
Dr. Watson said that she has also incorporated what psychiatrists call “systematic desensitization” to their therapy sessions. This means that the psychiatrist gradually exposes the patient to his deepest fears in a safe setting so that he can learn that everything is all good and shit.
“Why have I never thought of that?” said Dr. Watson. “I didn’t even know he was in a public toilet until he told me at the end of the session. Then I thought about all that watery noise I heard and now everything makes sense. I mean, he didn’t even remember to take off his pants, and it’s good that he doesn’t give a shit.”
WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him.
“It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.”
White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and that a rectal obstruction from which he is allegedly suffering is now under threat of being penetrated by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and other hardheaded Democrats.
In his effort to appease the agitated president, Kremlin Press Secretary Dmitry Peskov told Trump, “There is nothing to worry about, my friend. In Soviet Russia, you don’t urinate on whores. Government urinate and shit on you. Oh, shit. Wait … that’s not the way the joke works, is it?”
“The President attempted to obstruct the probe by firing [FBI Director] James Comey,” said Trump’s lawyer Jaw Sekulow. “I’m just a new guy on his legal team. I don’t know him well. Fuck it. I guess I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”