Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now

LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire. Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills more than a week ago, using only his wrinkled old fingers as lock picks to break into a secret

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Trump plagiarizes Gettysburg Address, delivers formal apology to nation

After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human equality and liberty. “Four scores and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived

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Faithful man enraged that wife is cheating on taxes

NASHVILLE, TN—Suspecting that something funny is going on with his wife, an Internal Revenue Service agent purposefully came home early to catch his wife in the act.  “Motherfucker, I knew you were cheating on your taxes,” he yelled. Salvatore Goodman, 45, noted angrily that his spouse Skyler Beneke did not fill out her Form 1040 properly. “She should have checked

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Surgeon General warns young women pouring antifreeze on tampons

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid of choice among those who use tampons for the past few decades. The nation’s top gynecologist, Dr. Stephanie Miracle, cautioned women who engage in such risky behavior. She states, “Ethylene glycol, or antifreeze, is poisonous and is

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Student’s butt destroys university card, causes all of life’s woes

SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks. Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card, credit card, restaurant discount card, and source of self-esteem, Shelby Li, 21, broke down and promptly fell into clinical depression.

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